Locations
February 14, 2011
It’s that time again, diary. Time to copy whichever deck won the standard pro tour and then grind with it for the upcoming PTQ season. I’m a slave to the grind, diary. I love it. I love it more than pizza. I love it more than Gerard Fabiano’s hilarious jokes that are hilarious. I love it more than my FAMILY, diary. If I master this deck, then my life will be totally awesome and things will really open up for me. Honestly, it’s all about being pro, and if I can be pro, and casually durdle with some run-goodz, then my life will be complete. Men will want to be me, and women will want my glorious gift. I know, my Steelers didn’t win the Super Bowl (I have never been to Pittsburgh, neither have my parents), but it’s cool, because now I’ve got this totally cool deck to grind into the dirt!
Checking out this list that won Pro Tour Paris, it just looks like classic Team ChannelFireball, doin’ it again on the big stage. I love those guys. One time I saw Wrapter at a Grand Prix hanging out with LSV. I saw both of them! YES! YES YES YES YES!
At first pass, this list doesn’t seem very tuned. I think I’m gonna cut a Stoneforge Mystic. You only need three, right? I mean, I’ve got the Sword of Feast and Famine itself, plus four Stoneforges? Yikes! I don’t need five swords in my deck, thank you very much. Four will suffice.
I sure hope I do well at the Magic tournament I’m going to this weekend, diary! Gosh, I’m so excited, I don’t even think I’ll need to use my nightlight to get to sleep (just kidding, of course I will)!
February 16, 2011
Hey, diary. Just wanted to check in really quick. One of my bros told me to read some articles by this dude Jamie Wakefield. Said he was pro back in the day. And you know me, I love the history of the game. I know all the greats of the past: Brad Nelson, Conley Woods, AJ
Here’s the thing that really got me about this dude Jamie Wakefield—he made up his own decks! Uh! Hey, dummy! That’s what the freakin’ Pro Tour is for, duh! How lame would Magic be if we all had to make up our own decks all the time?
February 29, 2011
Hey, diary! Went to a Star City open in Washington this past weekend! All the pros were playing my deck (Caw-Blade), but with red in it! Why didn’t anyone tell me about this! I don’t wanna be stuck playing an outdated deck like a durdle! All the cool kids are playing red in their lists now! GAH! If someone had told me about this, I know I could’ve top eighted! Why is everyone holding me back?! I know I could break through and become pro if people would stop screwing me over for just one minute!!!
I need to find a better playgroup. That’s what needs to happen. These people are all holding me back. Last weekend, I was with this dude Joe, who is more of am acquaintance than a friend, but it’s whatever since he lets me borrow whatever I want because he just plays mono-red all the time ’cause he’s an idiot. He’s so dead money. Not like me, a big timer. Anyway, after I got done making him buy me foil Unhinged lands ’cause I want my deck to be totally pimped out so I can compensate for being a lonely and miserable human being, I made him go grab me a sandwich from Subway because I was still in the tournament and he had scrubbed out by then, the loser. So I tell him to get me a buffalo chicken sandwich, with extra banana peppers. What does Joe do, diary? Hands me a sandwich with the normal amount of banana peppers. This kind of stuff happens to me all the time, and frankly, I’m getting sick of it. What did I do to deserve this??!!
March 10, 2011
Hey diary. Got screwed over again, this time in Edison, New Jersey. Have you ever been to New Jersey, diary? Of course you haven’t. You’re a book. You can’t walk. Well, let’s talk about New Jersey a bit.
New Jersey sucks. The roads don’t make sense and the entire state smells like hot garbage. It’s free to enter, but they make you pay to leave. Conversation over.
As I was saying, I got screwed over again. This week, everyone was playing black in their Caw-Blade lists.
Why does God do this to me? I consider GerryT and AJ to be my bros. I’d love to actually have a conversation with them someday instead of following them around a sweaty conference hall, but, hey, I’ll take what I can get. I just don’t get why they gotta player-hate on me so much. Don’t they know I’m the Caw-Blade master? I’m even playing red, just like they are! And now they switch to black? WHY, GOD, WHY?
P.S. These “don’t Daze me bro” sleeves are awesome.
April 12, 2011
I did it, diary! I top eighted Grand Prix: Dallas! YES. I’m finally on the gravy train! My mastery of Caw-Blade has finally paid off! I had to beat a lot of opponents on my way to the top. Let’s go through some of them!
Round seven I played the mirror. It was a tight position, and he drew his card for the turn and tanked, so I told him to play faster. I told him, “hey, you know what the deal is. This is the same as it was last turn. You need to play faster.” I said that ’cause I won game one and wanted to tilt him into throwing away this game, and he did, because he’s dead money and I’m awesome.
One of the later rounds, I played one of the bros from ChannelFireball, and I won because I heard some information on their sideboard plan against Caw-Blade because I was eavesdropping on their conversation. Me, one, ChannelFireball, zero. That’s right, suckers! Maybe next time you’ll publish the articles that I e-mail to you on the merits of cutting a land for a Baneslayer Angel in Caw-Blade instead of being major durdles.
So, yeah, I’m on the Pro Tour train and I’m officially a fish and a degenerate now. And being a degenerate is awesome! After rolling dice for $50s with my bros, we went out to dinner to the Cheesecake Factory, and I lost the credit card game! Total bummer! My dad was so pissed about that, diary (but I wasn’t, because I don’t pay no stinkin’ credit card bill)! Sucks to be you, dad!
Then we went and hit the tizowwn! Or tried to, anyway. None of the bouncers took my fake ID. Stupid bouncers. Bouncers are such dead money. Not me, though! I’m on the Pro Tour! Next stop, Nagoya!
April 29, 2011
Diary, this is some BULLCRAP! It seems that Wizards is hellbent on keeping me out of the Pro Tour. What did they do this time, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you, book that I’m writing in. They gave the new set to Guillaume Matignon! They completely spoiled it to him! It’s a conspiracy! I’m telling you, if I had the kind of advantage these guys were getting, I’d be a millionaire off Magic. THAT’S RIGHT, A MILLIONAIRE. Do you know how much I would’ve made off Splinter Twins? FIFTY GRAND. YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT. Here’s the math:
Splinter Twins: 20 cents apiece.
I buy an assload.
I sell them when the set comes out at $20 apiece.
$19.80 × 1 assload = $50,000
It’s not that complicated.
Plus, if I had access to the Godbook, there’s no doubt in my mind that I could’ve come up with Caw-Blade. No doubt. Just goes to show how much better I am than these so-called pros. They’ll see. They’ll all see.
June 19, 2011
Final standing at PT Nagoya: 344th.
June 20, 2011
Thanks a lot!!!!
No seriously, thank you so much!!!!
Diary, they banned Jace, the Mind Sculptor and Stoneforge Mystic! The two cards my freaking deck is based around! I don’t get why they did this. Standard is fine! Did anyone else have a problem with Standard? Absolutely not! This is the best format I’ve ever played in! And now they pull some crap like this? That’s it, diary. I’m outta here. Have a nice life, WotC. I’m gonna go watch Entourage.
Jon Corpora
Pronounced ca-pora
