Readers!

What is the opposite of "salt"? I ask a lot of people this question and they either immediately say "pepper" without thinking (which cannot possibly be the right answer) or they think about it for too long and get a nosebleed because their brain can't really decide what properties of salt you're looking for the answer to. As a chemist, I've spent more time than I should have thinking about this question and I still have no idea. Do you take the inverse of the molar mass of Sodium Chloride? Some people say water, but a liquid isn't the opposite of a solid. Sodium Chloride can be a liquid at the right temperature, after all, and water can be a solid. The more you know about Chemistry, the harder this question is to answer. I decided to do what I did in real life ten years ago and abandon Chemistry and embrace writing. Dictionary.com isn't concerned with dipole moments or Avogardo's number, Dictionary.com just listed a bunch of things "salt" or "salty" could mean and one definition for "salty" was "seasoned mariner" and the opposite of that is "landlubber." Just like that, I had a fun and easy-to-grok way to describe a deck that went out of its way to be the opposite of salty. To be clear, avoiding using cards specifically because they ended up on the EDHREC top 100 salty cards isn't really enough, is it? Being a-salty doesn't feel deliberate enough - to show what you did was out of concern and respect for your podmates, you need to be anti-salty. You need to build like a landlubber.

Last week, we briefly touched on the things people don't like you to do to them in Commander according to the EDHREC Top 100 saltiest cards, and it boils down to people not liking you taking extra turns, making their lands not untap, making their lands not exist, and running Thassa's Oracle (the most profoundly boring card ever printed). I'm only mentioning this briefly, because this week's article isn't quite as closely related to last week's as you might think - where last week's article was about how you conducted yourself in games of Magic to avoid wasting other players' time, this week I want to talk about how to build using a landlubber mentality to substitute cards and strategies to accomplish the same goals but make other players have less of a bad time. Much like how the world needs to figure out how to make mass desalination cheaper and more scalable, we're about to figure out how to run our decks and strategies through a reverse osmosis filter and get something clean and pure out the other side. Let's figure it out.

Target Problem Lands

Blowing up all of everyone's lands with Armageddon certainly solves the "someone got an early Gaea's Cradle" problem the same way a nuclear warhead that vaporized 10 city blocks deals with that spider in the corner of your shower, but perhaps the "piece of paper and a drinking glass" approach could be applied to Commander. Specifically, if you're worried about specific lands like I am, you could run cards like Strip Mine to deal with lands you don't want to see, such as Homeward Path. You could run Shivan Harvest to deal with Homeward Path. Homeward Path got you down? Have you tried Dust Bowl? I'm sure there are other nonbasic lands that are a problem, I just can't think of any off the top of my head because I'm too consumed by how little I want someone to have Homeward Path. If you look at salty cards, all of the ones that upset people impact Basic lands - Armageddon, Tectonic Instability, Winter Orb, Vorinclex - these are all VERY different cards, but what they have in common is that they interfere with a player who has a precon deck full of basic lands. Might I suggest narrowing your focus a bit and picking off really problem lands? I've encountered a bit of salt if I get a Crucible or Excavator going with Strip Mine and I've turned to some newer and less pernicious tech to solve what I think my real problem is - Homeward Path existing. Want to keep the board clear of Homeward Path but not be tempted to Crucible lock someone with Strip Mine? Here's my suggestion.

Ghost Quarter has lot of advantages over saltier cards in that it doesn't put someone behind when you blow up a land. You can't use Ghost Quarter to keep someone from having enough land to do anything unless they don't have a ton of basics, at which point they probably spent enough money on their deck that they aren't bothered by you picking something off, even if they really needed it for fixing. Ghost Quarter solves the goal everyone who run Strip Mine says is their objective - to keep someone from running away with a Nykthos, Shrine to Nyx or Cabal Coffers. What it doesn't do is lock someone out. You can even use it to color fix in a pinch - if you blow up a Mana Confluence in a five-color deck and color screw someone, they should be able to get at least one of the colors they needed. You can color fix yourself in a pinch, and you can even use this in salty pods in conjunction with Opposition Agent. I am starting to take a second look at Strip Mine in some of my landfall decks, leaning more on Dust Bowl, which is a bit like a reverse Ghost Quarter in that it puts you behind a land. You won't find Ghost Quarter on the Top 100 saltiest card list. In fact, there are only 2 lands on there - Gaea's Cradle and The Tabernacle at Pendrell Vale. Might I suggest a scalpel rather than a Howitzer?

Try Borrowing

Pirates are all about, well, piracy. Stealing is a way of life for bandits who roam the open sea looking for shipping containers full of hamburger phones and Garfield plushies on their way to Amazon shoppers that they can hoodwink. We're thinking less nautically today, however, and perhaps the best landlubber card is, in fact, a Pirate card.

I won't pretend that the reason Expropriate is the 5th saltiest card in the most recent poll is that it steals creatures, because people are much more upset about the extra turn mode, but having to choose between losing a creature and watching them play Magic means Expropriate most often gets a creature from everyone. Add to that the fact that Agent of Treachery is in the Top 100 as well and you get a sense that people don't like having their cards taken from them. People are generally less upset if you Threaten something then kill it than they are if you keep it, even if they get something in return since Gilded Drake is also a Top 100 card.

One huge advantage of "borrow" cards is that they are reusable. If Captivating Crew is too mana-intensive for you, there are always old standbys of mine like Chamber of Manipulation, Rubinia Soulsinger or Helm of Possession. You can deal with problem creatures, but you're not going to keep someone's Commander in perpetuity if that's going to make them unable to have any fun. You get to decide how long you keep the creature with those. Threaten effects are even kinder, ending at the end of the turn and not even Obeka lets you prolong that, despite what you may have heard. If you Mind Control someone's Commander, it's very tough for them to play decks that require their commander, but if you Captive it Crew-style and make it walk the plank post-combat, they can throw it in their command zone and access it when they have the mana. If your goal is to deal with their creatures and get some value out of them, you can borrow them for a bit, get your value and give them back.

Delay, Don't Prevent

A lot of what Magic players want to do in Commander is use the first few turns setting up their mana and sometimes a player does it a little too well. When someone rockets off to an early lead, it can make CIPT lands, missed land drops, bad draw sequences and other forms of basic MTG variance even more frustrating. If what you actually want to do is keep someone from getting ahead, or have the person who gets ahead be you, you don't have to resort to cards like Static Orb or Rising Waters. In fact, Rising Waters has a card with a similar cost that is a much better choice.

Kismet effects like Blind Obedience and Thalia, Heretic Cathar keep someone from chaining mana rocks, in the case of Frozen Aether, or tutoring for a Cabal Coffers and going nuts, in the case of Thalia. Blind Obedience stops decks that run Splinter Twin type combos. You're not keeping someone from playing Magic at all, but you are keeping someone from having that really nutso early turn that puts them so far ahead it takes 3 people working together to stop them, which isn't always even enough. If what you really want is to stop someone from running away with the game, locking everyone under a miserable Stasis lock doesn't accomplish that goal but slowing down that speed demon by making their mana rocks unusable the turn they're cast does. Be a little bit more ethical in your choice of Stax cards.

Alternatives to Thassa's Oracle

One alternative to winning the game with Thassa's Oracle is to be a little more original.

Tell Me Your Ideas!

There is no wrong way to take a second look at cards in your deck that seem to cause as much saltiness as they solve and there is no wrong way to build from the perspective of respecting others' time and their right to 25% of the game time. I'm sure you have your own suggestions and I'd love to hear them! Drop me a line in the comments section and don't forget to share this on social media. That does it for me, everyone - until next time!