Locations
Yea, you read that title correctly.
Bloomburrow.
I didn't accidentally mean Duskmourn: House of Horrors, the upcoming set that wears its 80's splatter motif like a badge of honor.That set has zero intention of hiding its dark side. Much like classic Innistrad was a celebration of gothic horror, Duskmourn aims to do the same for the VHS era.
We're talkin' about Bloomburrow, bunnies and all.
Before you raise that eyebrow any further, let me explain: Bloomburrow appears cute and cuddly on the surface, but I don't buy it. I've watched far too many scary movies to fall for this innocent outward appearance. Look past the crinkly noses and whiskers, and you'll uncover a plane crawling with unspeakable terror. Few would ever suspect, and that's entirely the point. We turn a blind eye to the woodland critters and their whimsy, blissfully unaware of the danger lurking behind their tiny knit sweaters. How easily we forget their claws. Their teeth. Their hunger.
In the immortal words of Bart Simpson: "Nobody ever suspects the butterfly!".
Duskmourn isn't meant as a contrast. It's the second film in a double feature, the slasher to Bloomburrow's creature-feature.
So join me (if you dare!) as we peek behind the patchwork curtain to uncover what horrors lurk withinBloomburrow.
Wick, the Whorled Mind
At first glance, this Grixis legendary comes off more charming than creepy. A rat warlock and his army of snail minions might be a bit dark for Disney, but you could easily imagine it in an 80's Don Bluth film. A touch of peril, but we're still in G-rated territory.
Take a closer look at the snails, and the tone shifts. Note their swollen eyestalks with alternating stripes. That's not artistic flair. That's the sign of a trematode, a parasitic flatworm that invades the brain of snails. Once parasitized, snails transform both physically and behaviorally. They become driven towards predators, catching their attention further via the enlarged, often pulsating eyestalks, with intent to become prey. The parasite literally possesses the victim to seek out birds, and once the snail is consumed, the trematode offspring reproduce in the predator's digestive system. After a bird eats the unfortunate snail, its dropping become home to the parasite's young, who quickly take over any new snails that subsequently snack on the bird droppings. And thus the cycle continues.
Wick, the Whorled Mind doesn't just enchant his molluscan followers. He invades their brains. Then uses their demise to grow his own power, just like the trematode parasite. Nature is scary, folks
Rabid Gnaw
Keeping with the nature theme, were you aware rodents need to continually wear down their incisors, which never stop growing? Without regular gnaw-sessions to keep teeth shortened, they'd continue to grow. And grow. And grow. To the point where the animal's mouth would either be locked shut from the overlapping teeth, or worse, pierced from the inside. Rabid Gnaw takes that concept and amplifies it to terrifying degrees. Even the flavor text acknowledges it.
Looks like Eldritch Moon isn't the only set to bring us body-horror.
Insatiable Frugivore
Be honest, when you first laid eyes on that artwork, did you think the red gunk was strawberry? This card pulls a tactic used in PG-13 horror to simulate the appearance of blood n' guts without actually showing anything. Substitute the offending gore with a harmless substance, but keep the context, and our brains connect the dots. Sam Raimi's underrated flick Drag Me to Hell used slime and drool to dodge an R-rating while getting away with a bunch of sickeningly-memorable scenes. Insatiable Frugivore is performing the same act, with crimson juice flowing freely over an exposed snarl. It's only fruit. But that's not what our brains register.
This isn't even the first time this trick has appeared in Magic: the Gathering, as holiday promo Naughty // Nice used the same idea for comedic effect.
Head of the Homestead
I bet you were thinking this list was all gonna be Rakdos, huh?
Cuteness can harbor sinister intentions. Wizards of the Coast tried to warn us with When Fluffy Bunnies Attack and Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, but we didn't listen. Sure, those bunnies might be all about murder and mayhem, but certainly not Selesnya rabbits. Right? While Head of the Homestead comes across as Beatrix Potter-esque, take a closer look at those rabbit children, and you might think differently. The flavor text states how it's rude to interrupt a rabbit family meal. But try telling that to these guys:
The rest of the household might've been irritated, but you cannot tell me these two fuzzy little psychos weren't absolutely thrilled when that doorbell rang. Everyone else is holding flowers and kitchenware, but these two went straight for the knife block. I just hope the delivery person got away safely.
Rolling Hamsphere
A bunch of small critters known primarily for eating and reproducing have assembled into a giant mass of teeth, and I'm not supposed to be afraid? Am I the only one here who's seen Critters 2? Anyone who gets near this is gonna will skeletized in milliseconds. This ball of hunger destroys things, makes more hamsters, and then gets bigger. Each turn it's allowed to attack, it only gets more threatening. Hamsters are able to reproduce every 4-5 weeks, rapidly making more and more hungry mouths to feed. The average litter runs between 6-8 pups, each with incisors fully developed before they can even open their eyes.
A school of furry piranha.
The Gitrog Monster
How is it that the non-Innistrad take on Gitrog is somehow the most terrifying? "Hypno Toad" has taken on a far more beloved stance in the community after he helped save the multiverse in Thalia and the Gitrog Monster. Then they gave everyone else a chance to hop aboard via The Gitrog, Ravenous Ride. He seems silly now, but our introduction to the beast was genuinely disturbing. In the story "Sacrifice", by Michael Yichao, we learn how the Gitrog entrances villagers to march into its maw. It feasts on human-puppets who have no control over their movements. The tale's protagonist manages to avoid this grisly fate, but only because the monster decides to use her to lure in more victims, starting with her own best friend.
While the gnarly grin of the original and the Eldrazi-fied take (Gitrog, Horror of Zhava) paint Gitrog as a force to be reckoned with, it's the glassy, dead eyes of the Bloomburrow interpretation that best conveys how deadly this creature is. Merely catch a glance, and suddenly your legs start moving. Right in its direction. The maw opens slowly, the twitch of a monstrous tongue becoming visible within, trashing against its palette like a bloated python. With each step taken closer, its empty eyes widen further with anticipation. Every synapse in your body screams for you to run. Every instinct pleading for your attention. But it's all for nothing.
Gitrog has you.
For those who made it this far: I applaud your bravery. You withstood the barrage of cuteness to gaze long into the dark abyss underneath. Next time you shuffle up, trend carefully, for not all monsters are so readily apparent. It's easy to identify the skeletons, zombies, and dragons as a threat. But terror can also squeak.
Stay safe out there. I've now barricaded my backyard to ensure all critters remain at bay.
Those squirrels looked like they were up to something.
Thanks for reading, and may you always suspect the butterfly.
-Matt-
