Readers!

I want to talk to you about a format that is growing in popularity every year. There is backstabbing, temporary alliances, even more cards than are typically allowed in a regular deck. More cards, more players, the only thing that's not more than the Magic you're used to is you only get one of each card (excepting basic lands, of course) meaning your deck can be less consistent than what you're used to. Don't worry, though, the power of available cards rivals Vintage and there are even a few cards legal in this format that are banned in Vintage because they're not only pretty fair, they're not even that oppressive! Do you like seven-mana spells, giant board states and more options than your sanity can handle with more coming at a relentless pace? You might want to try a format called Elder Dragon Highlander or sometimes called "Commander." It's here, it's hot, and it's the funniest possible format on the planet.

If you're like me, you value a good laugh and this format has them in Spades - or should I say "skulls" because this game isn't played with a standard deck of cards, but rather with unique cards designed to... you know what, I'm sick of this bit already. I swear to god, I was going to sit down and type a whole article like I was explaining EDH to someone who had never heard of it, but like, I'd probably never do that. I would have them read some of my articles and go to EDHREC. I don't want to be responsible for someone never starting to play EDH because I didn't pitch it right. I would love to be a good ambassador to the format, but if we're backing me into a corner, I'll admit I'd prefer to write, you know the series I was hired to write back in 2014. If you want me to tell someone who has never heard of Commander why we play it, there are better people for the job. I want to pitch to players who already play Commander. Rather than convince anyone of anything, I'd just like to point out the plain, irrefutable truth - Commander is the funniest format, period.

Have we had funny, memorable moments outside of Commander? Certainly - what could be funnier than the MTv Commercials in the 90s or the time they previewed a card called "Tower Defense" on September the 11th? I'm not saying other formats don't have funny moments, I'm saying 26 years of playing Magic: The Gathering have netted fewer funny and memorable moments than your average 90 minute game of commander. Why? Commander is Magic: The Gathering played incorrectly. You have the wrong number of opponents, the wrong number of cards, the wrong amount of life - you don't even have the same goals as a normal game because most of the time you're playing for no prizes and hopefully everyone is drinking. Playing Magic wrong on purpose is pretty funny, and the fact that it works is funnier still. But an article about how Commander is, and this is not up for debate, the funniest format would be remiss without some examples. I'm going to tell you what I think the funniest things to do in the funniest format are.

Steal Their Stuff

It's not just hilarious to steal a card from your opponent, it's a way of life. 75% Commander was very much predicated on the idea that taking your opponents' cards and using them against them was an excellent way to scale the way your deck played to the way the rest of the table played. If you steal their best creature, chances are they're equipped to deal with it because it came from their deck and decks tend not to be built with only one good card and 99 bad ones. Making them waste their resources blowing up their own creature is hilarious - no one wants to waste a removal spell they were saving for a game-ending threat to keep their own Consecrated Sphinx from drawing you your entire deck. Stealing a problem commander is an excellent way to deal with it if you don't have a ton of removal, would like to make someone else waste removal or just get the advantage of a card someone else liked enough to commit their only command zone slot to. Webcam Magic has moved me away from cards like Bribery and Gonti, Lord of Luxury but I have doubled down on including cards like Thada Adel, Acquisitor and Thieving Skydiver.

My latest deck that I've built in paper is based around Tasha, the Witch Queen. It takes some work, but you can cast Instants and Sorceries out of their yard, and with Tasha out, casting one of their spells using anything, not just her -3 ability, nets you a blocker (It's a 3/3 demon but, trust me, it's a blocker). Load up on spells like Diluvian Primordial, Spelltwine, and Mind's Dilation and you've got a hilarious game that could turn into a game of Archenemy if you're not careful.

Borrow Their Stuff

Stealing their stuff is very droll, but borrowing it is just as good. Threaten effects are rampant in Red-based decks, and you don't have to return the creature in the same condition you got it in - you can sac it to Goblin Bombardment or Ashnod's Altar, you can fling it for full value with Brion Stoutarm or you can give them "control" of their own creature that you're borrowing using Bazaar Trader and get it permanently at the end of the turn. Insurrection, basically Threaten with kicker, usually ends the game which is good, because sometimes someone at the table doesn't want a game of Commander to end. Too bad, Brad, I didn't agonize over which 11 decks to bring tonight so I could watch you take a 30-minute turn where you drew 40 cards and then pass without even attacking anyone. I built a Pirate deck because I don't think any deck better exemplifies this concept. If you give a creature back alive, you did it wrong.

Swap Their Stuff

If people don't like having their stuff taken, they REALLY don't like getting something from someone else. If they get something useless and lose something powerful or get something pernicious that was harming another player, they don't like it. Taking a combo piece from someone and replacing it with a useless card makes the whole table laugh. My Inniaz deck is hysterical to play. You have to really load up on ways to make creatures with flying, which means you have basically 0 chance of recovering from a board wipe, but the ability is so difficult to interact with once it's on the stack that you're going to make life really tough.

Hand Them a Cooked Grenade

If taking someone's combo piece and giving them a useless card with Inniaz is funny, taking someone's combo piece and giving them a copy of Transcendence is a riot. Playing really pernicious cards that have negative effects has come back into fashion lately, especially with the printing of The Beamtown Bullies and Jon Irenicus, Shattered One.

Giving them a Leveler with Bullies or an Ebonblade Reaper with Jon makes their life very difficult, but I get even more sadistic glee from giving them a very old, obscure card like Oath of Lim-Dul. They can either get rid of that Immortal Coil or start playing a very Lichy subgame. Even funnier than giving someone a Demonic Lore is failing to give someone a Demonic Lore and succumbing to it. Nothing beats comeuppance, and sometimes the explosion is a pineapple salad for them, and sometimes it's your own petard. That sentence makes like 0 sense if you don't know a petard is a bomb, and not a garment. I thought for most of my life a petard was like, a unitard and getting hoisted by it... you know what, forget it. You probably thought the same thing. Shakespeare was real weird, I don't know what to tell you. I do know that giving someone an Eater of Days is real funny, though. Just make sure the card you want to give them works well with the particular way you're trying to give it to them - unless you think it would be funny to cast Leveler in your Jon Irenicus deck, re-read Leveler, curse and knock your library over. I consider that prop comedy, which is beneath me, but you do you.

Threaten to Steal Their Stuff

Turns out you don't have to really steal their stuff, you can use a rattlesnake card to make them play more cautiously around you which means they're not executing their gameplan which is good for you, but also, they're mad which may or may not be good. They're usually not, like, mad mad, but you should get a feel for how people feel about having to hold stuff back in their hand before you start cackling (the second-most infuriating kind of laughter, barely being edged out by that "haHA" Nelson does on the Simpsons). If they act right, there won't be any problems, but if they start playing spells on other people's turns or having the sheer, unmitigated audacity to attack you, then you start stealin' and don't stop until you have more of their cards than they do.

This was far from an exhaustive list, and it's far from the funniest things that have happened to me playing Commander. I've dealt someone 10,000 damage by casting Deflecting Palm on Wheel of Misfortune, I've stolen the other 3 players' Sol Rings and cast my own to form the Sol Exodia which taps for mana, I have won with Hellkite Tyrant and 0 of my own artifacts. I've won with Helix Pinnacle, Mortal Combat, Biovisionary, and Mechanized Production on a food token. I've lost to my own Summoner's Pact, my own Forbidden Crypt and one time to a Naya Panorama. I've scooped with lethal on board and cut a deterministic loop short and passed the turn because I was bored at my deck's inability to close it out. Winning has never mattered to me in Commander, only having a good time. If you're looking for a good time, twice the players is more than twice the fun. I'm not sure how the math works out on that one, so don't take my word for it - pass someone a cooked grenade and Hostage Taker their combo piece today. I promise you'll remember a funny play long after you forget who won (which is immediately). That does it for me, readers - until next time!