Locations
Welcome back, fleshlings, to the holiday special version of my article, and my final article for the year! It's been a long time since I've done a proper holiday song parody! This one is inspired by the Phyrexian arc, and specifically A Garden of Flesh, one of the great one-off stories we got this year. If you're interested in more parodies like this one, you can check out previous years in the links below!
The Nightmare before Elesh-mas
'Twas the night before Elesh-mas, when all through the spheres
The Phyrexians were stirring, to manifest your fears;
The Mirrans were hiding by the furnace with care,
In the hopes that Urabrask would forget they were there;
The newts were gestating snug in their pods,
With visions of perfection and dark machine gods;
And Mother of Machines in her porcelain crown,
Had just flensed screaming rebels all over the ground,
When out of the spheres there arose such a clatter,
Her sterile throne room suddenly grew plant matter.
Norn tore and slashed at the offending green flesh,
But the root of the problem eluded Elesh,
Then out of thin air appeared such a cackle,
And the weaver of nightmares appeared with a crackle.
What beauty, what horror, what more perfect release,
For an artist like them craft a masterpiece,
But ol' Norn was not amused, she did not like this feeling,
The tightness in her chest that had left her reeling.
With a malicious grin did the weaver depart,
A nightmare was sown in the praetor's heart.
With a shout Elesh Norn issued new commands,
To summon the praetors and make her demands.
"Where's that schemer, bring Tezzeret, I need the bridge!
Don't tell me that fleshing has developed courage.
Now Vorinclex, to Kaldheim! I have need of a tree!
Take that idiot Tibalt, but the sap is the key.
On Jin-Gitaxias, to Kamigawa, and experiments dark!
Dissect the elusive planeswalker spark.
On Urabrask, wait, where did that heretic go?
It better not be to learn about Halo!
On Sheoldred, to Dominaria, find me the bowl,
In the hands of our father, bring him under control,
And for a sleeper agent - bring me the cat!
None of the fleshlings will be expecting that.
Oh, a strike force? Please, let us meet!
By the end of the day, half will be compleat.
Will it be Jace, the meddling mind mage?
I would leave a sliver of self, to silently rage.
Kaito, the ninja, thinks himself clever,
But the bonds he holds dear are easy to sever.
Oh Kaya, the ghost, thinks herself immune to our grasp,
She will praise our vision before her last gasp!
Ah, and Lukka, who thinks only of home,
Soon he will only see visions of chrome.
Nahiri's a problem, she's lived past Yawgmoth's fall,
But under our guidance she will bring unity to all.
Nissa, sweet Nissa, for whom plants adore
She shall tend instead to a garden of terror.
Tyvar, the hero, he'll charge in without care,
And herald our glory with a fleshless stare.
But what about Vraska, the self-styled queen?
Would she petrify her friends upon being seen?
The Wanderer is slippery, her spark unstable,
Oh, the atrocities her empire will enable."
And then, with a rumble, to great fanfare,
The Hammer Tribe Shaman, Koth was there!
Fans rejoiced for lo, how long had it been?
Depending on the calendar, five years or ten?
With Koth in the mix, the final 'walker was apparent,
Soon his old friend would return, the lady knight-errant.
And suddenly it blooms, the dread inside Norn,
For Ashiok had given her fear, she was torn.
A single human should not so disturb Mother's peace,
So why would visions of Elspeth not cease?
This weakling, this fleshling, her story is done,
FOR NEW PHYREXIA IS READY, AND ALL WILL BE ONE!
