Ah, love. Something like, “Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us together today. Wove, twue wove . . . So tweasure your woves forever.” . . . Right?

Mikaeus, the Lunarch

Okay. Pieces of paper and boxes of chocolate aside, what is it we’re looking for? The “Jon and Alyssa” donkey has been beaten to death, poor thing. So let’s take a practical and positive Vorthos approach.

Any man of mine / gotta walk the line — Shania Twain in “Any Man of Mine”

How can nerds/geeks/mages of all shapes and sizes find their true love in life—if that is what we so desire? How can we be found? Online dating offers a crazy-convenient and efficient method of meeting people, but the same problems that exist in any online interaction abound: It’s easier to pose as something you’re not; it can be an inorganic experience; typing, as opposed to speaking, impedes nuance and allows us to be assholes; you can’t smell your conversation partner; etc. If you’re going to spend any time at all trying online dating, take it seriously—or you might as well go hang out at real-life hubs and brave the romantic terrors of the library or the frozen-foods section of the grocery store.

The right type for you is often the one you’ve been overlooking for years—or decades.

[poll id="97"]

As a thought experiment, I’ve created an OkCupid profile for planeswalker Elspeth Tirel. OkCupid, as I am revising this article, has been down for forty-eight hours, so I can’t give you the pretty screenshots of her profile and the quiz results that I wanted to. We’ll carry on despite the setback. Instead, I’ve included some polls below that reflect the screening questions used on OkCupid (similar to eHarmony and Match.com as well). Feel like playing Vorthos god for a day? Answer in Elspeth’s persona.

I don’t know why these types of frivolous questions on pets persist. The real question is: Who will pick up the turds in the dead of winter?

[poll id="98"]

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Elspeth, as some of you may know, experienced a traumatic childhood during which she was imprisoned by the Phyrexians and bore witness to tortures and murders unspeakable. According to The Quest for Karn, Elspeth suggested other victims to the Phyrexians in order to save her own hide. Her function as a “talent scout” left her scarred with guilt and overwhelmed with a sadness that she keeps locked away in a steely part of her heart. She’s a lifetime soldier, but a deserter, and, unfortunately for her, too sensitive for her own sanity. At the end of Quest, she shows uncharacteristic tenderness for Venser and his imminent self-sacrifice.

“Not you.”

— Elspeth to Venser (when he suggests teleporting his heart into Karn’s body)

What would Elspeth need from a man, from a partner? I’m assuming she’s straight from her behavior in the novel, but she could have other tendencies after a few margaritas. Oh wait, but she doesn’t drink. Anyway. What would her neurotic, obsessive, dark personality (white gets interesting, eh?) need in a romantic relationship in order to thrive? ElspethTirel is on OkCupid.com—would you date her? Would she date you? Would it be a smart match? Would she enjoy serial-killer theater with Jon Finkel? She just might.

Always try to answer online dating questions honestly, not vainly.

[poll id="100"]

This is, surprisingly, a real question on OkCupid, and the most interesting one they had, in my opinion. Keep in mind El is a soldier on the run.

[poll id="101"]

Often we’re harder on others than on ourselves. Is Elspeth this way?

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And learn to recognize when and where you act like a crazy control freak. Doesn’t mean you have to change, but you do owe it to your partner to know your own pet peeves.

[poll id="103"]

Back in 2007, I was a Match.com junkie. Serious junkie. I had just gotten through an extremely ugly divorce (it started out amicable and ended up venomous, largely in part to my own behavior), and a couple regrettable tattoos later, I was online dating. What was I looking for? Who was I looking for? I had no idea. I was just looking. The more the merrier! I scheduled three consecutive dates one evening at the movie theater where I worked. Why? To feed my ego. I wanted to show off to my coworkers how many guys I could be seen with in one six-hour period. I was less than interested in getting to know my dates, and even less than less than interested in getting to know myself and what I truly needed from a relationship.

Apparently, this kind of disease is still running rampant. Why do we bother putting ourselves out there online when we do not really want to meet someone? When we just want to be clever and “above it all”? What a waste of our time and others’ time. Take it from me—you can’t meet your someone special when you’re close-minded and self-centered. You can only meet the right person when you’re full of empathy and humbled. Why? Because if you aren’t compassionate and you aren’t humble, you’re vain and selfish. That’s it. That’s the big secret.

I said I’d pay for dinner.

No, I said I’d pay for dinner. (battle ensues)

I recently went out with a friend. She’s been single awhile despite her gorgeous eyes and healthy career. I asked her what she wanted in a man. “A beating heart,” she quipped. I followed up with a few questions, and it quickly became apparent there was more: a healthy lifestyle, dark good looks, not a pothead, a professional man, outdoorsy and active, fit, versed in current events and politics, liberal, etc . . . The list got rather long rather quickly.

Most of us fall into this trap. We think we’re simple enough to please, when in reality we have expectations and desires that are a bit more lofty than we realize. The trick is to sift the real desires, the important, life-giving ones, from the superficial ones.

It’s a good idea to reflect on your past behavior in relationships—not what you thought you did or felt, but what you actually did or felt.

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Physical identifiers are often a waste of time, as chemistry lies in more than the number on the scale. But they can help screen, in general, if not taken too seriously.

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I used to have a “type”: thin—in fact, underweight! Either blond-haired and blue-eyed or dark and mysterious. My husband? He’s neither. I found out skinny wasn’t as important as strong. I found out Comedy Central–funny wasn’t as important as thoughtfully smart. Think about it like this: When the shit hits the fan, who do you want as your partner in crime? What qualities are valuable then? You still want a show pony? Or do you want a shield-maiden? Do you want a guy who’s everybody’s friend? Or do you want a guy who’s most definitely got your back? When you’re feeling down, what do you need—a giggle, a hug, a good listener? A screw? Think about it. What we think we need and what we actually need are often worlds apart. You need to be astute enough to know what traits in a partner allow you to be yourself—the person you want to be. The best version of yourself, in other words. Yes, “best” is a loaded word—think of it as “the version of myself I’m most comfortable with that I still feel good about.”

I order you to not be intimidated by the size of my sword.

Alyssa can’t take back her words that hurt so many people. The Magic community can’t take back their retaliatory words, rife with inherent misogyny.

What can we do? Individual responsibility. White mages might be uppity and overly judgmental, but seriously, there is never any harm done in trying to do the right thing. And the right thing? It starts with knowing yourself. It starts with compassion. It starts with standing up for what you believe in, while doing no harm.

Complicated? Perhaps. But an archmage never backed down from that. Until next time, analyze that mirror-match with yourself relentlessly. Be courageous in love. Sorry for the preachy signoff, but we were in white today, after all. As Elspeth might say: Godspeed, soldier.

— MJ