Eight years ago, Ben Bleiweiss—with many words—presented the hundred worst Magic cards. Magic’s basically doubled in size since that article, and an entire format—Modern—barely overlaps with it. Prime time for an update! I don’t have five parts in me as Ben did, but this is basically because Magic has fewer bad cards since 2004 than before then. To wit, there are fewer weird bad cards; the bulk of this list is plain putrescence. The principal differences between my selection style and Ben’s come from our vantage points on the subject:

I’m not as well versed in Magic history – I have an idea about some Limited formats, but if I haven’t played them I couldn’t tell you much.

Nor do I care – Some cards may have had a purpose in Limited, but that doesn’t mean I want them in my collection. Much of my focus is obsolescence: Did Wizards make a card that makes this one pointless to own, and if so, how close in time to the worse card did they do this?

I’m more focused on casual than he is, obviously – As a casual writer, my visceral test for bad card is basically whether I’m sick of seeing it in my binder or card box. My poster child for this is Dripping Dead, but it isn’t in Modern, so I can’t stick it on the list.

Also, I’ve chosen to list cards individually instead of giving similar cards ties for a rating. Along the same lines, I’m not ranking them among each other. Bad cards in Modern come in fewer flavors than ignominy of yore. Modern is more Chimney Imp than North Star or Seafarer's Quay; ranking blandness in triplicate would be tedious and stupid. I also left Ben’s Modern-legal cards in my list; that just makes sense.

So, what shouldn’t have left the booster pack, the vehicle that shipped the booster pack, the card printer, the card design file, or the designer’s head? (So many places these could have stopped . . . )

Honorable Mentions

Let’s start with twenty honorable mentions: reprints in core sets or Time Spiral’s timeshifted sheet that shamefacedly are available for your Modern deck. Why are these honorable mentions? Because when I took these twenty out of my spreadsheet of viable candidates, I was at 101 cards, so I only had to make one difficult decision. Laziness is the mother of uncompleted sente . . . 

Eighth Edition – Sea Eagle, Orcish Spy, Ivory Cup, Crystal Rod, Throne of Bone, Iron Star, Wooden Sphere

As for Orcish Spy, as cool as it is to view somebody’s library, I’d rather have cards that let me do something about those cards. There’s not enough value here to put it in a deck. O-Spy and Sea Eagle form the Why Bother Lounge, where there just isn’t a point to putting it in a deck. They aren’t do-nothings, but they’re at best do-barelys. For Sea Eagle, it’s worse for having Storm Crow in the same set. Let’s see . . . I can have a 1/1 flying Bird for or I can have a 1/2 flying Bird for . This choice is tough.

Ninth Edition – Eager Cadet, Baleful Stare, Fishliver Oil, Withering Gaze, Index, Reflexes

There’s Fishliver Oil and Reflexes in the Stupid Auras Division. Yay, you used a card for islandwalk or first strike! If you use one of these cards on a cheap creature, it’s too small for the effect to matter, and if you use one on an expensive creature, why does that creature need a conditionally relevant keyword? Yes, first strike is conditionally relevant—you never mind having it, but there are plenty of board states where you’re swinging at someone with no blockers or who has creatures smaller than yours or whatever.

Last, there’s Baleful Stare and Withering Gaze in Conditional Corner. They can draw you a lot of cards in theory, but how often is this going to be better than the identically costed Divination or Counsel of the Soratami in the abstract (which for most multiplayer deck decisions is where your deck-building must go)? Rarely. And the chance these white-bordered cards are worse is quite high. Just don’t bother.

Timeshifted – Squire, Ovinomancer, War Barge

Squire was on Ben’s list, and I have no problem with leaving it on. War Barge does something but way too expensively and at the potential cost of your creature. Ovinomancer has the potential to destroy a creature, but how many times are you going to bring this guy out? Don’t get me wrong; I love the flavor of the card—I love both weird tokens and having real animals in Magic. Sheep tokens are awesome. This isn’t the way to get them.

Tenth Edition – Fugitive Wizard, Fear, Goblin Elite Infantry, Wall of Wood

Last, Wall of Wood’s been replaced by Wall of Vines, which is Wall of Wood with reach. Unless your deck needs more than four 1-drop 0/3 Walls, there’s no point to you owning Wall of Wood. The lack of raison d’etre is about as bad as it can get for a card. I suppose it could be pointless and have bad art, too . . . 

So, the honorable mentions named some of the categories. Let’s cover some of them before word count stops me.

The Why Bother Lounge (21 citizens)

Let’s interview some of the clubbers . . . 

Omega Myr – “I survived a Memnite attack once. I get it on with Squire every now and again.”

Chimney “The Pimp” Imp – “I own this club.”

Wandering Ones – “My last gig was only a couple of months. Some punk calling itself Teardrop Kami said it would do a better job for the same pay—and it did. Not my fault.”

I could not obtain an intelligible interview with Crazed Goblin.

Yeah, it isn’t a happy place. Others in the Bland Creature Room include more 1/1s in near-vanilla (Brass Gnat, Death Cultist, Merrow Witsniper, Acolyte of Xathrid), a white flyer (Noble Vestige), and red Ravnica creatures (Utvara Scalper, Viashino Slasher). I wanted to like some of these, but they’re just bad.

Outside, in the non-exclusive section of the Lounge, there are eleven instants and sorceries that question their existence. As with many of the creatures, there are a ton of 1-mana effects, and they even come in every color: Wojek Siren, Aura Finesse, Horrifying Revelation, Taste of Blood, Bull Rush, Incite, Battlegrowth, and Sprout. If you like it a little bit pricier, try Regenerate or Unnerving Assault. In game, those two are surprises in the style of birthday tube socks: If you’re surprised, you shrug, and if you’re not, you didn’t miss much.

Stupid Auras Division (17 citizens)

This category is self-explanatory. It’s also one of the few that R&D continues to make. Very few in the Why Bother Lounge are Extended-legal. (Come to think of it, Extended’s considered going there.) But Stupid Aura.dec could live in Standard if you wanted to simulate losing Planeswalker Points. You have the graduates of the Fishliver Oil school (Vigilance, Dryad's Favor, Lifelink, Gruesome Deformity). You have the power-and-toughness changers (Gift of Granite, Primal Cocoon, Defensive Stance, Sensory Deprivation). You have a card that gives a unique ability, boosts toughness, and is terrible (Street Savvy). You have the Auras that don’t do enough or are too narrow (Relic Bane, Bloodshed Fever, Controlled Instincts, Corrupted Roots, Soul Bleed). You even have Auras you might want to put on your stuff—except they don’t do much (Fractured Loyalty, Alpha reprint Evil Presence, and the new Favor of the Woods). You have options for terrible decks. Hooray?

Conditional Corner (15 citizens)

Ever wanted a 3/3 for 2 mana? Just play a ton of creatures the same turn you put it out, and Soultether Golem can rock your world.

Ever wanted a 5/3 for 3 mana? Just hit somebody with several creatures in combat the same turn you put it out, and Lavacore Elemental could be awesome for you.

Are your opponents playing with too many creatures and nonbasic lands at the same time? Weight of Spires to the rescue!

Are people leaving things on top of their decks? Lammastide Weave can stop that. It’s like Predict . . . but bad.

Ever won a clash but wanted to draw that card right now? Sylvan Echoes is your enchantment!

And if you’re facing too many Equipment/Traps/snow permanents, Turn to Dust/Trapfinder's Trick/Freyalise's Radiance can help.

Drooling Ogre, Goblin Archaeologist, Skullcage, Talara's Bane, Wilderness Hypnotist, and Jackal Familiar are somehow even less useful than the aforementioned. I’d love to pay for the chance to give my opponent a 3/3 (Ogre). At least I can then play my 1/3 for (Hypnotist) to shrink that Ogre should it come at me. That’s Magic at its finest.

Next Week

Three more categories and a wider range of stink round out the final forty-eight cards.

If you have comments on what shouldn’t be on this list, please think of a card to replace a card you want gone and list it as well. I’m aware that some of these cards have uses, but it’s much harder to make a list out of Modern than pre-Modern, so it can’t be an entirely useless list.