Someday all those people who come to me for perspective on life via Magic metaphors and other high brow matters will be satisfied with my CoolStuffInc output. Someday, IndestructibleDWest will sing the hits, gang.

But that day is not today.

No, today, because the Top 3 at SCG Wherever this weekend turned out to be Mono-Red Aggro, it means it's going to affect my whole week.

Mono-Red Aggro | War Standard | Will Pulliam, 1st Place SCG Open Richmond

• Creatures (20)
• 4 Fanatical Firebrand
• 4 Ghitu Lavarunner
• 4 Goblin Chainwhirler
• 4 Runaway Steam-Kin
• 4 Viashino Pyromancer

• Planeswalkers (4)
• 4 Chandra, Fire Artisan

• Instants (10)
• 2 Wizard's Lightning
• 4 Lightning Strike
• 4 Shock

• Sorceries (6)
• 2 Skewer the Critics
• 4 Light Up the Stage

• Lands (20)
• 20 Mountain

• Sideboard (15)
• 2 Tibalt, Rakish Instigator
• 4 Lava Coil
• 3 Risk Factor
• 2 Legion Warboss
• 2 Rekindling Phoenix
• 2 Dire Fleet Daredevil

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You don't have to be The Best One At Best Of OneŽ like me to know that Red decks are all over Arena anyway. For some reason, the time equity and fun equity balance there is all messed up - not that it isn't elsewhere - but hey, I'm not here to police how the world spends their time and gems.

Instead, I choose to accept that Arena b=Bo1 is going to be loaded with more Red than ever this week, and for that reason, we can rise above the base level droolers of the Arena meta and troll them mercilessly with dopey cards that have no place in a Constructed deck outside of beating obnoxious burn and Goblins and such.

It's so much more fun when they know you're playing purely to ruin them and them alone.

I've had enough of Red. Haven't you?

This week, we'll examine some cards that could go a long way toward the most lopsided Bo1 solution to Red. I'm not looking for a positive Red matchup that can hang with the rest of the meta; I'm out for Red blood. If I can find a 95% Red matchup that's 5% against the rest of the field, I'm going to take it.

Because maybe you and I play for different reasons. And maybe I'm just sick.

You want in or not?

...

All right then. Get in the car.

Red Deck (Sometimes) Wins

This top 3 really hides a bigger, more accurate picture of that tournament weekend. All over there is evidence that Red is a deck but nowhere near the deck. There are huge swaths of standings' sections where it's nowhere to be found. And I'm sure it was all over the tournament hall.

And even if it were everywhere at the top, I looked at the decklists, and guess what? It's the same bunch of hooey it's been for months! I don't begrudge the strategy in the least, but this is hardly an oppressive Red archetype. I mean, Viashino Pyromancer? Really?

This is not a Red deck on the level of those with Demigod of Revenge, Blistering Firecat, or Goblin Piledriver. From a purely power level perspective, this is a C- level Red deck.

Even so, we're playing a game where these things are graded on a curve, and this deck is around an A- in this universe.

So let's give it a wedgie.

Red's Mortal Enemy: Hit Points

I'm taking the obvious, most historically tried and truth path for my research: life gain.

A Standard this big is bound to have a ton of it, so let's have a look at some candidates with the rates to pay the bills, daddy-o:

While this is exactly the sort of card I don't even get excited about on a good day, it's been a proven inclusion in a few very successful spell-based decks, so it's on the table. If you're all-in on smacking Red in the chops, this should be a consideration.

Six is a lot against Red, but it's hard to argue with this much umph. The biggest issue is that it wants to rely on cheaply hired tokens, which are all complete dogs to Goblin Chainwhirler. Nevertheless, it's the kind of card that might go bananas once you're in a place where you're not dead to most of their draw steps.

I like how it's a "peacemaker," yet it has 3 power, and thus, regularly engages in combat. Game's weird.

If you read my article last week, welcome back, you! I spoke well of this card, and if I'm on a mission to crush the Magic commies - and if you've read to this point, you're aware that's literally all we're doing right now - this creature is going to be one of my most trusted sergeants out there. Plus, I'm sure my Red enemies laugh/cry when it gets cast. Just think: If they haven't played much Draft, they've probably never even seen the card! Woowee!

If you join me on stream this week, you're sure to see a little peace being kept. Bring your laurels.

I'm mentioning this one because of how relevant it'd be on some pivotal turns, assuming you were playing a viable Vampire deck. I don't think that's real, though - like in real life! Flavor! - so we can keep walking.

For those of you that don't know, there's some lore behind this one.

You see, the Blackblade is a sword of some mythical variety that's better at cutting things than other swords, presumably. Dakkon Blackblade had it way back when we were children, then it showed up again later maybe all Reforged, and now Gideon is swinging it about the place.

And if you don't know about Gideon, he's a guy that can't take damage or die most of the time and sometimes he's a Soldier. He's always portrayed as both an underdog and completely invulnerable, which makes zero sense, but hey, do whatever.

Anyway, in this instance, he stretches Red's resources in the early game time frame they have to work with, especially when drinking a lifelink potion.

I feel stupid talking about Gideon like it's some sort of novel innovative concept. Like, it's a Gideon card, and we're trying to play Standard White cards. Look out, everyone! Got a real brew over here!

Sigh. Gideon.

Oh boy, is this card so real.

In fact, here's my current Esper Control list. I haven't posted a decklist yet, and I know I'm going to alienate some people unless I do that soon. After all, not everyone wants to dunk on Red decks on their off days. I don't understand them, but they're out there.

Here's a Magic deck:

Esper Control | Best of One Standard | Danny West

• Creatures (3)
• 1 God-Eternal Bontu
• 2 Kitesail Freebooter

• Planeswalkers (7)
• 1 Liliana, Dreadhorde General
• 1 Narset, Parter of Veils
• 1 Teferi, Time Raveler
• 2 Teferi, Hero of Dominaria
• 2 Ugin, the Ineffable

• Instants (15)
• 1 Despark
• 1 Dovin's Veto
• 1 Vraska's Contempt
• 2 Mortify
• 3 Absorb
• 3 Cast Down
• 4 Chemister's Insight

• Sorceries (9)
• 1 Cleansing Nova
• 4 Kaya's Wrath
• 4 Thought Erasure

• Enchantments (2)
• 1 Oath of Kaya
• 1 Search for Azcanta

• Lands (26)
• 1 Island
• 1 Plains
• 4 Drowned Catacomb
• 4 Glacial Fortress
• 4 Godless Shrine
• 4 Hallowed Fountain
• 4 Isolated Chapel
• 4 Watery Grave

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If enough people are interested in this build, I'll be happy to talk about it some next week. Comment holla. Don't look for me on social media, though. I'm too proud.

I'll talk about it on stream, I'm sure, but long story short: This is the best bo1 pure control build I've found in the new format.

Boom. Win games.

Now then, back to that life gain life.

Five with no "immediate" effect isn't a great intro for anti-Red business, but I also can't think of many ways they can beat it if gets to attack (or block, for some reason?) once. Act of Treason effects are almost completely off the map in Bo1, so sticking something like this is good action so long as you have breathing room.

See previous article and previous card.

This one has been around for a bit now, and it's really amusing to me when geeky cards like this are possible because of quirky metagame breaks (cough, cough - Frostburn Weird - cough). If you enjoy this strange quirky card effect, I highly recommend going deep into Bo1, as this phenomenon is highly amplified. I mean, it's basically the reason this entire "let's hose Red people" exercise works at all. Man, I love Arena.

A hallmark Bo1 design, this card is about as flexible as good rate creatures get at the moment at rare. I appreciate that its other modes are 100% relevant against Red, though people often tunnel vision the four life. If you feel like you're even close to safe, you should be doing some quick "what if" runs between your options. If you get to the midgame, Red is sometimes down on cards in hand and their decks are streamlined to the point you can name a number of likely places the game will go over the next turn or two. This isn't necessary to get good game out of Knight of Autumn against Red, but if you're trying to max level, hit the flashcards.

I'm positive this is a card that we're nowhere near finding the ceiling on. It's actually a pretty cool callback to Ajani Goldmane, the character's original incarnation and one of the Lorwyn five. Here's hoping the character dies.

I've resolved about a dozen of these so far in varying situations, and I've yet to be terribly disappointed, though I've yet to be blown away by all the heavy lifting he was doing either.

Remember when you only got two of the four modes on Commands? What the hell is this? It's like they had a brainstorm session on stuff involving Black, Blue, and the number four, and they accidentally used them all instead of testing different combinations of them. Oh well, to hell with it. We're not going to get all ethical about our allies when it comes to smashing Red. Five mana provides a monster a lot of their burn can't kill on its own, a bullet for one of their monsters, and four life to boot. If Dimir Control or something similar exists near the top of the metagame alongside or above Red, this card is probably the reason.

Finding room in my current Esper list is a high priority at the moment.

Drop Dead, Red

Of course, there are more options (I spend a lot of time down at the Plaza of Harmony, as you all well know), so I'm reaching out to you: Help me troll the hell out of these Red ladder tryhards this week! What cards should I use? Is that new four-mana 2/4 that gains three life when it enters the battlefield better than I'm giving it credit for? And what about the Planeswalker that makes Walls?

Am I becoming too obsessed with killing them? With seeing what color they bleed?

Look, I'm not one of those weirdos that gets all frustrated with people because they want to play a given strategy; I love a Red deck, now and again! It's a legal strategy, and it's hardly oppressive. Power to them, I say!

But man, when I see three Red decks atop a tournament like that, I know what a ton of my Arena opponents are going to be on for the next while. And I'd be a damn fool to not find the best way to enjoy it. I don't mind them playing Risk Factor. Here's hoping they don't mind me playing Huatli, the Sun's Heart.