Prologue

Everyone loves a smartass, am I right?

No?

Wow, I need to change my personality.

Meet Petey

Let me introduce you to a friend of mine. He's a hero in my circles, and he's been around for a few years now. He's a bird, his name is Petey, and he spends a lot of time on the Internet being outraged by stuff.

Especially rogue Magic decks.

I present: Infuriated by Thing Seen on the Internet Petey:

Look at him. He's outraged.

Back to Wise Guys

So what does Petey have to do people born unto cheeky behavior?

Rewind a few years ago to a Regionals of yesteryear. The format was Time Spiral/Lorwyn Standard, and Faeries decks were everywhere. Other decent contenders were Golgari Elves, a few different Merfolk varieties, Vivid lands control decks in their earliest forms (pre-Cruel Ultimatum), and a few different people playing Kithkin because they lost bets or something.

All the tables in the massive event hall were pretty predictable, though sideboard choices and splashes and other such tweaks are always a delight. I was on my way out for a breath of fresh (read: smoker area) air when I was told by a pal to observe a game going on around table 40 or so.

I don't know what the list was and I don't want to, but some geek was trying to run around with this in a field of, you know, real decks.

Even today that period of Dimir Faeries is particularly viewed as a net negative for Standard at the time. And look what this clown was doing.

Then he won the match, signed the slip, and got up.

I had to meet him.

"So that's the secret archetype of the tournament, huh?"

He looked confused.

"What? This?"

He pointed to his deck box.

"Yeah, your deck. What's your record?"

"X-2," he said. "But to answer your question, no. It's not a real deck."

"Still, though," I replied, my excitement becoming more visible. "You could prize with that thing!"

He shook his head as he began to walk away.

"I'm playing Spring Cleaning, man. I could not possibly care less if I prize."

What a hero.

And yes. He totally prized.

Fast Forward to Now!

As we near the end of 2019 Standard is run seemingly by Fires of Invention, Simic Flash - playing much like Faeries, by the way - and Jund decks that in addition to the usual Jund methods of killing crap now also have magical cats that you put in the oven and then eat or something.

But that's not all that lurks in the dark heart of Standard.

And though Petey wasn't around to see that Enchanted Evening deck, he's here now to look at these.

Behold!

Matt Linde Two Decades Later

Linear all-in aggro is probably not the best idea when a bunch of decks have a full buffet of Healing Salves, let alone an aggro strategy in single-color form that hasn't worked since the Clinton Administration, but here we are.

White Weenies | Eldraine Standard | Never_DidntHaveIt, 4-1 MTGO Standard Challenge

• Creatures (32)
• 4 Faerie Guidemother
• 4 Giant Killer
• 4 Hanged Executioner
• 4 Healer's Hawk
• 4 Hunted Witness
• 4 Law-Rune Enforcer
• 4 Loyal Pegasus
• 4 Venerated Loxodon

• Instants (10)
• 2 Rally of Wings
• 4 Raise the Alarm
• 4 Unbreakable Formation

• Lands (18)
• 17 Plains
• 1 Castle Ardenvale

• Sideboard (15)
• 4 Gideon Blackblade
• 4 Gideon's Sacrifice
• 2 Hushbringer
• 4 Tithe Taker
• 1 Tomik, Distinguished Advokist

Buy This Deck Export text format Export Arena format

That's right, Petey: the helpless no-velocity dork parade deck played the world over by parents of three that just can't find room in the budget for lands that do something is back in a big way.

Let's look at this thing and figure out what the hell is going on.

If you squint really, really hard, this card kind of looks like it has a few words Lingering Souls did. No, no. Squint harder. Harder. There you go.

The thing is, Lingering Souls was more efficient than most cards in Standard anyway, so this is convenient removal that doesn't violate the gameplan (using ridiculous one power creatures to win Magic games). In a world where oven cats are baking biscuits on the graves of players everywhere, exile is a good way to keep things under control.

While having big creatures is better than having small creatures (quality content) in general, you do need to keep in mind while playing against this deck that you're not blocking these little weenies ever. The continuous Delver-tempo from having your expensive threats put in sleeper holds every turn is going to add up.

And then there's this debacle.

I've never met an adventurer I didn't like (just kidding; Garenbrig Carver is a loser), but Healer's Hawk just seems ridiculous. Of course it's the best option for this if you insist on one color, and of course the life gain keeps you out of range for various bleed out effects in grindy games, and of course...

All right fine. It's got some game.

You also have to remember that this deck has a sideboard. If you're a best-of-one specialist on Arena, you're going to need a lot less luck to speed through people. By the time they realize what you're doing (around turn one usually) it may already be too late.

None of this is to say the deck is going to be biting out the throats of tournament players everywhere henceforth. After all Massacre Girl lives for this kind of party. It's going to be pretty hard for Law-Rune Enforcer to keep her under control when its vital organs are across the room.

But that's not the point. The point is, Soul Warden fans, it's there if you want it. And it costs a nickel. Get in there.

Orzhov Diss Hard

Orzhov Discard | Eldraine Standard | Wilson Miller, 71st Place GP Portland

• Creatures (33)
• 1 Ayara, First of Locthwain
• 2 Cavalier of Night
• 3 Midnight Reaper
• 3 Rankle, Master of Pranks
• 4 Burglar Rat
• 4 Charming Prince
• 4 Knight of the Ebon Legion
• 4 Murderous Rider
• 4 Spawn of Mayhem
• 4 Yarok's Fenlurker

• Planeswalkers (2)
• 2 Sorin, Vengeful Bloodlord

• Sorceries (2)
• 2 Epic Downfall

• Lands (23)
• 4 Plains
• 8 Swamp
• 3 Castle Locthwain
• 4 Godless Shrine
• 4 Temple of Silence

• Sideboard (15)
• 4 Despark
• 3 Drill Bit
• 1 Epic Downfall
• 3 Kaya, Orzhov Usurper
• 4 Noxious Grasp

Buy This Deck Export text format Export Arena format

One of the biggest mistakes players make when exploring a format is focusing only on decks in the Top 8 or 16. If you actually go to tournament halls, especially when formats are new, you'll find all kinds of really smart decks that are only a win or two from breaking in. Case in point: just outside Top 64 of Grand Prix Portland was this beauty.

First of all, if we spend the next year whining about Black devotion while Gray Merchant of Asphodel domes us, I'm going to be infuriated. Paying homages to bad formats for the sake of nostalgia is not worth much, and it's especially not worth another bad format.

But anyway, all that to say these cards are good and probably only getting better.

Rankle is one of the better cards in the format not seeing major play. It's one of the more successful designs of the last while, and I'm thrilled someone is putting it to good use.

Spawn of Mayhem isn't my cup of tea, and it reeks of a bad Cube deck, but its rate in a deck that reliably casts it for cheap has been overdue forever. The crux of the issue was that it didn't fit in with the intuitive builds of Rakdos. Mechanics can tunnel vision us sometimes, at least for a while, in deck-building. Spawn of Mayhem may play Rakdos on television, but it looks like he goes to the Orzhov afterparty.

haha.

The meat in all this is the MR twins, a couple of reliable Knights with the same initials. But that's not what we're here for.

Taxi driver? We're looking to get to Combo Town. Step on it and make it funky.

Let's talk about this snide goon.

While a Charming Prince scrying early on can help you set up some consistency, later on it will blow your opponent out without mercy.

Fenlurker and Burglar will start to shred the opposing hand, and Cavalier of Night not only removes the worst threat on the other side but it can also bring back the Prince in order to finish off the last cards. Mind Twist in creature combo form! Dear me!

Minus five, get back Cavalier of Night, sacrifice Charming Prince to...

I think you get the idea.

Go Under!

Many remember the dominant days of Caw-Blade, but few remember Ben Stark's seldom seen all-in Elf deck that did just fine during that format. The reason that worked is the same reason these decks work now and again, even though they are played in very small metagame numbers:

In a Standard format where a lot of decks are comfortable setting up long-game engines and midrange stack ups, you have the ability to go low to the ground and put them away before they ever get comfortable.

It might just cost you more deck-building concessions than you're willing to make.

And who knows? Maybe someday you'll take a brew they all laughed at to the top! And then, Petey will open his web browser to check tournament results the next day and...

"Burglar Rat and Healer's Hawk?!"

(~_^)

"The Rascal"

The Indestructible Danny West