It was never my intention to recreate the PTQ experience. I just wanted a change of scenery for a week and dinner at Cracker Barrel, so it was with that in mind that I sent my friend Adam (who also loves Cracker Barrel) this text:

Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock from all Pro Tour/Grand Prix coverage, you’ve probably heard of Jupiter Games or at least seen the logo on a competitor’s t-shirt.

Jupiter Games, owned and operated by the coolest bunch of twenty-somethings I know other than I, is a Legacy hub; Eternal gamers all the way from Syracuse to Lehigh, PA get their monthly high-level Legacy fixes at Jupiter’s NELC tournaments. The league points people accrue there qualify them for Jupiter’s invitational: Legacy format, free entry, $3,000 purse paying down to sixteenth place.

Needless to say, that kinda cash attracts a lot of sharks.

After talking on Twitter about making the trek down to Jupiter’s flagship store in Vestal for last week’s FNM, Adam Barnello (of ChannelFireball fame) asked if he could tag along, and the crew was set. The car ride down was me and two Adams.

Barnello and I played the R/U/G Pod list from Gerry Thompson’s blog:

"Gerry Thompson’s R/U/G Pod"

• Creatures (25)
• 1 Acidic Slime
• 1 Aether Adept
• 1 Deceiver Exarch
• 1 Inferno Titan
• 1 Priest of Urabrask
• 1 Primeval Titan
• 1 Zealous Conscripts
• 2 Borderland Ranger
• 2 Llanowar Elves
• 2 Phantasmal Image
• 3 Huntmaster of the Fells
• 4 Birds of Paradise
• 4 Strangleroot Geist
• 1 Phyrexian Metamorph

• Spells (12)
• 4 Green Sun's Zenith
• 4 Ponder
• 4 Birthing Pod

• Lands (23)
• 1 Mountain
• 4 Island
• 8 Forest
• 1 Kessig Wolf Run
• 1 Rootbound Crag
• 4 Copperline Gorge
• 4 Hinterland Harbor

• Sideboard (16)
• 2 Ancient Grudge
• 1 Zealous Conscripts
• 4 Pillar of Flame
• 1 Thrun, the Last Troll
• 1 Viridian Corrupter
• 2 Naturalize
• 1 Tree of Redemption
• 1 Dungeon Geists
• 1 Wurmcoil Engine
• 1 Daybreak Ranger
• 1 Inkmoth Nexus

Buy This Deck

Unfortunately, that sideboard has sixteen cards, so I cut a Pillar of Flame. If memory serves, Barnello cut a bunch of shit from it so he could play hits like Deadeye Navigator.

Blanden’s been trying to make a Grixis deck work mostly because he’s working from a budget and can’t really afford the Tarmogoyfs at the moment. Blanden tried to defend the value of Hymn to Tourach as a decent tempo card, while Barnello’s contention was that Hymn to Tourach doesn’t work like that at all.

For the most part, I agree with Barnello. Hymn to Tourach, as with many cards, appears powerful, but sometimes, it just doesn’t fit into a metagame that well. Imagine Hymn to Tourach against R/U/G Delver, for example: It’s not just that the card is susceptible to counter magic—they all are—but more often than not, Hymn to Tourach comes down after all the cards you’d want to discard are already in play, beating you down. The turn it sets you back to cast it is just not worth the two-for-one you get if, by some miracle, it even resolves.

We eventually arrived at Cracker Barrel. Blanden ordered sausage biscuits, Barnello ordered chicken and dumplings, and I opted for this monstrosity:

I see now that it was a major, major punt to not include my IHOP cheeseburger with two fried eggs on it in my photo diary from a couple weeks back. I can only hope to make it up to you with a picture of this meal: scrambled eggs, hash-brown casserole, those fried apple things, ham, bacon, and sausage, country gravy (it’s basically just very tasty lard), and biscuits. Goddamn.

After dinner, we made it to Jupiter Games, and a lot of guys are already hanging out in the gaming area. We said “hi” to Adam Willson, the third Adam in this article and one of the major draws for me to go to Jupiter Games in the first place. Seriously, he’s the man, and Jupiter’s always a fun place to be. However, my excitement to see Adam waned quickly when I laid my eyes on the gold-bordered decks—all four of the decks from 2001—sitting by themselves on the table in the gaming room.

These decks and I have a sordid history; in my first-ever tournament, I played Brian Hacker’s gold-bordered white weenie deck, complete with Cataclysms and Cursed Scrolls, all for just $9.99! It did not go over great.

Ever since coming across Brian Selden’s gold-bordered Rec-Sur deck from ’98, Barnello and I have been keeping our eye out for any gold-bordered decks, so as to collect a bunch of them and jam different eras against each other. They’re not easy to come by; they discontinued printing them in 2004 (although the MTGSalvation wiki says 2005, repeated Google searches for physical copies of the 2005 decks come up empty), and so their price has dramatically inflated.

It turned out that Jupiter took the decks in when they picked up someone’s collection. Barnello and I wasted no time sitting down and playing the Machine Head versus Orbisition match, and it didn’t even take one game before we came to a very simple conclusion:

We need to take down this FNM because we’re not leaving without these decks.

Jupiter’s FNM turns out to be twenty-eight-people strong with plenty of room for all us ballers to play in.

Round 1 – Neil Sethi

He starts on Mountain and Goblin Fireslinger, and he proceeds to forget to ping me a bunch with him. Neil curves out with Goblin Wardriver and Goblin Chieftain as well a random Shock on his fourth turn for my Green Sun's Zenith fetching Birds of Paradise.

Luckily for me, I keep making my land drops and cast Huntmaster of the Fells, and then I Green Sun's Zenith for a second Huntmaster of the Fells, which effectively keeps my life buffer high and keeps him from being able to get in with all his creatures and present an actual clock.

After all of this, Neil’s gas is spent, and all his deck can do is attack with a 3/3 Goblin Wardriver and cough up lands. He’s still in decent position—his Goblin Wardriver is doing a fair impression of The Abyss, but my board is becoming a bit too cluttered, and not enough is happening to my life total.

In our second game, my first-turn Birds of Paradise lives, so I’m able to be fairly aggressive. My aggression is mitigated by Neil’s curve of Goblin Arsonist, Spikeshot Elder, and Goblin Chieftain. The latter two in combination are a potential blowout for my deck, thanks to R/U/G’s natural deficiency at removing problem creatures from the board.

Taken from Gerry Thompson’s blog post, which can be found here:

I didn’t see Spikeshot Elder Game 1, nor did I anticipate it, so I could’ve been pretty weak to it in this game, especially considering I didn’t bring in the Pillar of Flames. However, I did bring in Wurmcoil Engine, and it came down on turn five thanks to Strangleroot Geists and Borderland Rangers diverting the attention of Neil’s Spikeshot Elder away from my Birds of Paradise.

On my turn, I play a Strangleroot Geist, clone it with a Phantasmal Image, and attack for 9, putting him to 9 life. On Neil’s turn, he casts Act of Treason on my Phantasmal Image.

“Sure. It dies and comes back as a 4/4 deathtouch Wurm.”

“Huh?”

I explain to Neil that when he targets my Phantasmal Image with Act of Treason, it’s sacrificed because it becomes the target of Act of Treason. Because it’s a Strangleroot Geist, it has undying, so it comes back with a +1/+1 counter on it, and since I have to clone something, I choose to clone the best creature in play: a 3/3 deathtouch Wurm.

He nods in understanding. “I think that’s it, then,” and he offers the hand.

1–0

We wish each other good luck, and in what feels like five seconds, the pairings are up for Round 2.

Round 2 – Nathan Boyce

During the first round, I could hear Nathan complaining about mana screw or whatever, which prompted me to invent the FNM drinking game:

• When you hear someone complain about mana screw or mana flood, you drink.
• When you hear the words “sidedeck” or “mainboard,” take a shot.
• When you lose a game, you drink.
• When you lose a round, take a shot.
• When you play Commander in between rounds, take five shots—it’s the only way to make that format remotely enjoyable.
• When your opponent smells like a thirteen-year-old who hasn’t discovered the concept of deodorant yet, take a shot.
• When you get the random foil, take a shot.
• When you don’t get the random foil, take a shot.
• When your opponent offers his hand after beating you because you were mana screwed or mana flooded, pour a shot in your drink and finish your drink.
• When the only guy playing W/U Delver doesn’t win, make fun of him mercilessly.
• When pairings go up, finish your drink.

I want your ideas in the forums, dear reader.

When Adam Barnello sits down next to me to play his opponent, I ask him, “So, did you lose Round 1?” cementing the bad karma around me.

I record little recaps of my matches right after they happen so it’s easier to remember. I’ll just transcribe the recording of this match:

1–1

Interesting side note to that match: Next to me, Adam was playing against the head judge for the PTQ he won in March, and they were talking about it. If you’re on the Twittersphere at all, you’ll recall that this is the PTQ, where, going into the final round, the tiebreakers were cut off from the pairings sheet because the head judge doesn’t like drawing.

Quick aside: Screw you for imposing your arcane gobbledygook views on PTQ-goers. They’re not gaming any system; it’s math. PTQs are low enough EV (if you don’t take first place, you essentially get nothing) already without you trying to enforce your antiquated (and incorrect) ideals of What Magic Tournaments Should Be. Aside over.

My head snapped toward their match, and I asked him,

“You’re that guy? You’re the guy who cut the tiebreakers off the pairings sheet?”

He sighed. “Yes, I am that guy.”

I gave him a look generally reserved for when you find your six-year-old playing in his own feces, a look that clearly says, “You knew better.” He just laughed. C’est la vie, I guess.

Round 3 – Megan Darrow

I’ll be honest: I don’t remember much of this match. I do remember that she’s playing R/G beats and that I just outclass her draw in Game 1 with more Strangleroot Geists on top of a Birthing Pod that gives me insurmountable card advantage. A Phyrexian Metamorph cloning her Sword of Feast and Famine makes the game end much sooner than originally planned.

Pillar of Flame targeting Strangleroot Geist is the new Magma Spray targeting Kitchen Finks.

I board out all my Birthing Pods because I overvalue being tricky, so I’m just a R/U/G aggro deck based on Huntmaster of the Fells. This game, Megan has no Sword of Feast and Famine, so we both just play a lot of army Magic. We both trade some early beats, but soon after my Pillar of Flame on her Strangleroot Geist, Megan decides to keep her troops at home. Zealous Conscripts in my hand, I am happy to oblige.

Eventually, I’m able to get some shenanigans going by transforming multiple Huntmaster of the Fells, and she’s forced to keep a top-decked Hellrider at home, leaving me open to nab it with Zealous Conscripts and alpha strike, killing her before she can even assign blockers.

2–1

The match is over very quickly, so I decide to teach Megan cee-lo. If you’ve never played cee-lo, let me tell you: It owns. Each player puts down a set amount of money. It can be fives, twenties, or whatever. Then, you roll three six-sided dice until you roll a pair. The die that isn’t part of the pair is your number, and the other player has to beat that number. A triple can only be beaten by a better triple or a 4–5–6, which is an automatic win for the first player to roll it. A 1–2–3 is an automatic loss for the first player to roll it. It’s a skill game.

I win the first “hand,” and then Megan stomps me in six straight to finish +5 on me. I suck at that game. We played for nothing, but still. I suck at that game.

Round 4 – Ray Darrow

Ray’s on G/W aggro. He is also married to my Round 3 opponent. WHAT A SMALL WORLD.

At some point during the game, he “declares battle,” and then never passes priority to me before attacking with his guys. This is only relevant because I play nothing on my turn in order to transform a Huntmaster of the Fells, and I am holding a Deceiver Exarch, intending to tap down a potential attacker on Ray’s turn. As it turns out, I have to give Ray a quick crash course on the combat step, which I don’t really mind all that much.

Try as I might to emphasize the word “combat,” Ray continues to use to word “battle” instead throughout the match, bless his soul.

In this game, there is not a Birthing Pod in sight, which ends up being quite relevant.

Long story short, I attack him when he’s at 4 life because I have two more creatures than he has blockers. However, I just straight-up forget that Deceiver Exarch has 1 power.

Ray tanks for a while, blocks correctly, takes his turn, tanks for a while, and finally attacks with everyone.

And then Game 2, I see the classic turn-one Champion of the Parish, turn-two Gather the Townsfolk, turn-three Champion of the Parish, Grafdigger's Cage, you-don’t-come-back draw from Ray, which I can’t even be angry at because I threw Game 1 away in such a dramatic and boneheaded fashion that I can’t even think about anything other than how much I hate myself.

“So, are you guys, like, big-timers? ’Cause I heard you and the other guy talking about articles, and I’ve never seen you around here before.”

“Um . . . well, I wouldn’t call us big-timers, but, yes, we do write for websites. He writes for ChannelFireball, which you may have heard of, and I write for Gathering Magic. And you’ve never seen us around before because we live in Syracuse. We’re just visiting Adam Willson.”

“What do you guys write about?”

“He writes mostly about Legacy, and I write about FNM.”

He pauses, clearly deep in thought, searching for the words to say. He finally lands on, “No shit.”

“Yup. It’s pretty glamorous.”

“So, wait . . . am I gonna be on the Internet?”

“Yup. This game, this conversation, me teaching your wife cee-lo . . . it’s all gonna be on there. Is that kosher with you?”

He starts laughing. “I guess so, man! I knew there was something different about you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You just play different than everyone around here. It’s like the way you play your cards. When I go to enter my battle phase, people usually just let me do whatever and then play their stuff, but you play your stuff before you let me do whatever it is I’m gonna do.”

As I’m writing this, I have no idea what that meant, which should prove that I’m not making this up. “I guess.”

“It just seems like you’re a lot stricter about the rules. You remind me of those SCG guys on the weekends.” This statement drives the Adams to instant laughter; Adam Blanden has a running game where he texts me every time Legacy players screw up irreversibly on camera.

Right now, I’m feeling a lot like one of those guys.

“Thanks, I guess.”

Jon Corpora

Pronounced Ca-pora

@feb31st