I’ve been anxiously awaiting the chance to talk Orzhov, but as luck would have it, there’s a whole theme week about it going on right now! Of course, the sudden demand for Ozhovian content has really driven up the royalty fees on all related subject matter, so I had to take out a loan. Well, more of a freeroll really, I arranged the terms so that I can live my whole life without ever paying them back a cent!

Oh, but before I get to the black and white content: Don’t forget to submit a colorful deck built around Johan to julesdrobins at gmail dot com by 11:00 P.M. (Pacific) on Tuesday, March 26 for the challenge from last week’s article. I’ve seen some interesting stuff, but what I’m really hoping for is–

One second; someone’s at the door. It seems a little bit early for FedEx . . . I hope I didn’t leave the garage open again.

Hello?

Whoa! Hold on! What are you doing with tha– GAAAAAAAAAAH! Why!?

Orzhov Euthanist by Zoltan Boros & Gabor Szikszai

“Where am I? The last thing I remember is some sort of crazy priest who pulled a knife on me. Is this supposed to be the afterlife?”

A soft chuckle echoes off the vaulted ceiling of the small chamber.

Selenia, Dark Angel by Matthew Wilson

“No, I’m afraid you won’t be going there. You have debts to pay.”

“Nobody told me about this! This is ridiculous. This is extortion!”

“Yes, about that. It shall be your task.”

“What do you mean, ‘It shall be my task’?”

“You shall be working in extortion. Your talents will be put toward given the Orzhov total command over the plane of Ravnica.”

“And . . . then you’ll let me go?”

Laughter echoes and fades away, leaving me with nothing but stacks and stacks of Magic cards. Time to get building.

Protection Money

Well, if I’m supposed to be extorting, I guess I’d best start by throwing in all eleven cards with the mechanic. Extort triggers will do a number on your enemies provided you have spells to cast, and Selenia, Dark Angel’s ability means she’ll never run out of gas for the extortionmobile. But that interaction alone won’t be enough to stand up to the awesome might of the Sylvan Primordials and Duplicants that inhabit the format. Then again, my undeath has afforded me certain . . . capabilities.

Ah, the sweet scent of knowledge. With three opponents the price of extortion is akin to that of Ancestral Recall, though some less efficient methods are also available to the living.

But regardless of the means, more information means more insights into how to squeeze every last penny out of your opponents. Even without such a font of truth, there are methods of ensuring continued spellcasting.

Most other guilds would try to “build toward something.” That’s not necessary here; just wait until extort has triggered enough times to make all the world’s problems disappear.

But that would require a staggeringly large well of mana. Now, where might we find one of those?

May I present to you . . . a deck deserving of your oversight?

Debt Settler

• Commander (0)

• Collectors (11)
• 1 Basilica Guards
• 1 Basilica Screecher
• 1 Blind Obedience
• 1 Crypt Ghast
• 1 Kingpin's Pet
• 1 Knight of Obligation
• 1 Syndic of Tithes
• 1 Syndicate Enforcer
• 1 Thrull Parasite
• 1 Treasury Thrull
• 1 Vizkopa Confessor

• Power (9)
• 1 Lich
• 1 Nefarious Lich
• 1 Decree of Pain
• 1 Necropotence
• 1 Greed
• 1 Well of Lost Dreams
• 1 Horn of Plenty
• 1 Null Profusion
• 1 Isochron Scepter

• Tax Codes (19)
• 1 Aphotic Wisps
• 1 Bandage
• 1 Cremate
• 1 Festival of the Guildpact
• 1 Niveous Wisps
• 1 Scout's Warning
• 1 Gravebind
• 1 Heal
• 1 Barbed Sextant
• 1 Chromatic Sphere
• 1 Chromatic Star
• 1 Terrarion
• 1 Headstone
• 1 Swift Maneuver
• 1 Equal Treatment
• 1 Night's Whisper
• 1 Sign in Blood
• 1 Demonic Tutor
• 1 Beseech the Queen

• Alibis (8)
• 1 Platinum Angel
• 1 Avacyn, Angel of Hope
• 1 That Which Was Taken
• 1 Indestructibility
• 1 Greater Auramancy
• 1 Awe Strike
• 1 Alabaster Potion
• 1 Maze of Ith

• Kickbacks (5)
• 1 Sphinx-Bone Wand
• 1 Ulamog, the Infinite Gyre
• 1 Knowledge Pool
• 1 Rhox Faithmender
• 1 Boon Reflection

• Repossession (17)
• 1 Spoils of Evil
• 1 Bubbling Muck
• 1 Sol Ring
• 1 Expedition Map
• 1 Wayfarer's Bauble
• 1 Mind Stone
• 1 Orzhov Signet
• 1 Crucible of Worlds
• 1 Rings of Brighthearth
• 1 Darksteel Ingot
• 1 Solemn Simulacrum
• 1 Kor Cartographer
• 1 Everflowing Chalice
• 1 Caged Sun
• 1 Gauntlet of Power
• 1 Nirkana Revenant
• 1 Magus of the Coffers

• Deeds (30)
• 1 Urborg, Tomb of Yawgmoth
• 1 Cabal Coffers
• 1 Vesuva
• 1 Thespian's Stage
• 1 Deserted Temple
• 1 Petrified Field
• 1 Kor Haven
• 1 Orzhov Basilica
• 1 Fetid Heath
• 1 Thawing Glaciers
• 1 Marsh Flats
• 1 Verdant Catacombs
• 1 Bloodstained Mire
• 1 Polluted Delta
• 1 Evolving Wilds
• 1 Terramorphic Expanse
• 1 Scrubland
• 1 Godless Shrine
• 10 Swamp
• 2 Plains

Buy This Deck

A Brief Demonstration

In order to demonstrate the capabilities of such a construction, I sought out none other than the best-hidden being to roam the plane. He was, predictably enough, engaged in some sort of shady dealings with horrors beyond description.

Just as I arrived, the mysterious purple hippo opened a portal to Eladamri's Vineyard, and things immediately went crazy. Soon, the winged menace was dishing out information left and right through the mouth of the Kami of the Crescent Moon and the ringing of a Temple Bell. The lady Selenia took no time to call forth mana stones and a Syndic of Tithes, and the other two combatants bode their time. The extortion began with even more mana stones acting as conduits, but unphased, Phelddagrif continued to shape the battlefield in mind-bending ways. First by somehow bringing the battle to a Concordant Crossroads and then by enchanting the area with Fecundity. The astral baby summoned an Etched Monstrosity, and Lazav continued to sit back. What was his game?

Apparently, such thoughts do not cross the mind of beings such as the Child of Alara because the infant resorted to Bribery in order to recruit Phelddagrif’s Consecrated Sphinx. Ever unperturbed, the hippopotagod of surrealism caused an upwelling of mana to add to the absurdity. Selenia took advantage of the opportunity.

And the populace was crushed under the weight of extortion. The Child called upon one of its plane’s most dangerous inhabitants, Thraximundar, to put a stop to the insanity, but it was this moment when Lazav finally deigned to act. With an offhand flick of his wrist, the shapeshifter arranged a Counterspell. Why did he do that? To set up his next ploy. The Dimir guildmaster called forth a being with capabilities we can only hope to someday make our own.

The ’walker saw the strain that all of the lost dreams were putting on Selenia’s mind and aimed to shatter their housing. He had another thought coming.

If a battle against a flying purple hippo in the depths of the Dimir-controlled sewers were to grow any stranger, it would require concepts beyond anything known even by the dead. The hippo had that covered with Font of Mythos. Selenia made a somewhat more dangerous play.

In concert with the Crypt Ghast that Selenia had summoned earlier, the Shade threatened to consume the Child of Alara, who was forced to send some innocent Birds of Paradise to intercept the terror. Judging the situation to be too dangerous for the potential profit, Lazav vanished into the shadows.

Unready to give in, Child of Alara decided that this day was to be a Day of Judgment and obliterated the creatures doing battle. Thereafter, the babe summoned a Maelstrom Archangel that pulled forth the very Maelstrom Nexus. Never before has record been made of direct confrontation with this kind of power. But any measure of absurdity pales in comparison to the workings of Phelddagrif, who made what can only be described as a Weird Harvest of creatures from across space and time. Selenia was beginning to grow antsy.

The faithful Thrull reclaimed the corpse of Nirkana Revenant for duty, and Selenia claimed her due with a Sphinx-Bone Wand and a flurry of extortionary magics. Child of Alara toddled forward and seemed unamused by the money changing. It started looking around for something new, and I trembled within my hiding place. Could this be . . . the Dreadbore?

Unable to find anything of interest, the child threw a temper tantrum of such magnitude that it leveled the battlefield entirely. Selenia seemed unconcerned, as well she ought to have been. Another couple turns of extortion would nonetheless claim her enemies’ souls as debt, and her coffers held 78 coins. But some people (and all hippos) are far too concerned about playing “fair.”

Selenia rolled her eyes. “Very well, I suppose it means more for me in the end.” With that, she emptied the Cabal Coffers to summon a Syndicate Enforcer and the Magus of the Coffers to start extortion anew. Phelddagrif responded by displaying a Tempting Wurm. And no, I don’t know how to describe a Wurm fitting that description, but after all of the oddity surrounding the hippo, I can’t really say that I was shocked. Anyhow, the relevant point was that monsters emerged from every crack and crevice to dine.

Selenia took the opportunity to do something truly nefarious.

“You’re mad!” bellowed the hippo. I’m not sure if I was more surprised by the fact that it had spoken or by the accusation, but the oddity had a point. Why would Selenia put herself in a position to be obliterated by Child’s forces when she’d been fairly safe before?

“Knowledge is power.”

With that, Selenia once more issued a Decree of Pain. Soon, her Knight of Obligation had reinvigorated the plan for extortion, but this time, Selenia profited far more than she had previously, with plenty of corpses to keep her position as a Nefarious Lich from becoming too precarious. Apparently, the hippo had been planning something all along, for just as it instigated Forced Fruition, a clock tower far overhead began to toll out the hour.

With a feeling like that of emerging from the seating in a cramped theatre, I felt my freedom arrive. The afterlife was calling, and it was time to go . . . but one thing first. I had to repay the one who had worked my skeletal hands to the bone.

“If you want to profit so much,” I whispered to the Angel’s back, “claim the Spoils of Evil.”

Selenia’s head bulged with the influx of Lichly knowledge and then exploded in cascade of gold coins.

Beginning Life Anew

I don’t ever want to get roped into postmortem deck-building servitude again, so once more, I’m going to point you all to last week’s article about how I build decks. And remember: You have until 11:00 P.M. (Pacific) on Tuesday, March 26 to submit a deck based around Johan to julesdrobins at gmail dot com for a chance to have it included in a future column!