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You know you want it. You want to feel the selfish, destructive power throbbing in your greedy little hand. You want your fingers sizzling with pure black mana. You want your seven to be all black, all the time. You want to wreck your rival’s hand with discard. You want to keep a rotating door on your graveyard. You’re addicted to the touch, the feel of swamps. You play best at night. There ain’t no cream in your coffee, and you rock this in your iPod, not this. Once you go black . . . well, you know. There’s no shaking the allure of the Dark Side once you’ve tasted the deadly affection of the Dark Queen.
Please ma’am, I’d like some more . . .
As Chapin puts it so eloquently on Hymn to Tourach: “Self-indulgent? You haven’t seen anything yet.” In true black-mage style, here is my purely willful and completely personal . . .
Top 10 Cards That Should’ve Been Black
#10: Murder of Crows
Crows are black, period. In George R. R. Martin’s Game of Thrones, the guys who guard The Wall (the great ice barrier that separates the realm of men from that of wights and death) are nicknamed “crows” because of their all-black garb. Four-and-twenty blackbirds baked in a pie. Just change this card so it costs 
, alter the rules text to “Whenever another creature dies, your opponent discards a card,” and you’ve made black-robed Vorthoses very happy.
#9: Dismember
If you don’t get the joke, not to worry, your soul is simply too pure for this article. You should go hang with Little Girl, White Knight, and Rebecca Black (who is clearly a traitor to her name—such insipid sweetness must be eradicated).
#8: Akroma and Akroma’s Everything
Fury. Vengeance. No mercy. All fueled by a dark love and passion. Hmmm. Sounds black to me. Plus, she’s just too gorgeous not to draft to Team Black.
#7: Koth of the Hammer
It would be nice to have one actual black guy in the black robes. Crovax is past his prime—let’s move him to a management position. Koth can still throw down on the field, and that’s what we need. Change all the text to say “Swamp” where it says “Mountain,” and “red” to “black,” and so forth, and maybe give his name more flavor by tweaking to “Koth of Hammertime” or something. That’s right, other four colors! You can’t touch this.
#6: Squadron Hawk
If a card is going to be this annoying, it should be black.
#5: Karn Liberated
We’d have to change the story a bit, but it’s worth it. Karn eats Venser’s heart, stays infected, and rises up from his throne to be an awe-inspiring Father of Machines that not only rules Mirrodin with a Steel Reserve–clenching steel fist on the right and an Iron City–clenching iron fist on the left, but makes war on other planes and becomes a pain in the craw for Nicol Bolas. Karn, Eater of Venser’s Heart is clearly a black card. And −14 to “Restart the game. The black player wins. If there is some confusion about who wins, fight to the death,” would really open up new design space for the game.
#4: Ronom Unicorn
Because Nightmare needs a mate! I already have the art concept in mind, completely stolen from Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer, a 1985 gem that taught me about material greed and cute boys in spacesuits.
Suggested art for Ronom Hornless Unicorn Awesome Rocket-Horse.
#3: Tarmogoyf
He draws powers from the graveyard. I don’t care what the green arguments for jurisdiction over this mechanic are, Liliana says it should be black’s domain. I take her word for it.
So the baddest mage in Magic history is . . . blue? Sure, blue in Magic is always the “best” color. But what about everywhere else? What’s so great that’s blue?
Max Rebo, a popular Star Wars musician known as much for his willingness to work for food as his skills at working the keys.
Veruca SaltViolet Beauregarde after too much indulgence in the original 1971 Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Hapless wizard Schmendrick from The Last Unicorn. Okay, so he’s totally hot—but still not the world’s most powerful mage.
Terrifying.
More relatable, but still not striking fear into the hearts of rival sorcerers. Except perhaps Baker-Archmage Martha Stewart.
Mystique appears to be the most badass of our blue icons.
Disagree with my opinion that ban-worthy Jace should’ve been black? These guys want a word with you:
Emperor Palpatine: So scary that kids can’t look at their own grandparents, and I still can’t walk through a nursing home without looking over my shoulder.
Lord Voldemort: Causing bedwetting for years. In adults.
Raistlin Majere: “C’mon guys, I even work for Wizards.”
Godlike in power level, rocking classic hooded looks in dark robes, and singlemindedly going after their ambitious goals as they mentally or physically destroy those in their path, these archmages have been putting black at the top of the fantasy fear factor for years, transcending generations as well as media.
And now . . . what’s the biggest “duh, shoulda been black!” card of all time?
#1: Black Lotus
Duh.
About to wrap this article, I came home to the horrific surprise that one of our rabbits had succumbed to sunstroke while we were out at the park with baby. In our haste to get going this afternoon on our one full day of the week together, we’d forgotten to put the tarp back over the hutches after cleaning. Three rabbits made it through the ninety-degree day, but the fourth, poor thing, did not.
Needless to say, I was distraught. Sobbing like only a fluffy-loving green mage can, and trying to find some kind of humor in the situation so my husband and I weren’t at each other’s’ throats all evening, putting further burden on an already stressed relationship due to our work and childcare schedule, I suddenly realized the rabbit had not died in vain.
Not only was I writing an article about black mana, and this death meant that black really had extended its powers into my waking life, but . . . the rabbit’s name was Glissa.
Today, Glissa Sunseeker died of sunstroke. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll find Glissa the Traitor, compleat and zombiefied, munching on the midnight clover.
By Xosema (Own work) [GFDL or CC BY-SA 4.0-3.0-2.5-2.0-1.0], via Wikimedia Commons
Glissa, thanks for my most personal closing lines yet.
Until next time, stay black and proud. And may all rabbits find such appropriate Vorthosian deaths. And, KEEP YOUR BUNNIES COOL!!! Sigh.
— MJ
@moxymtg on Twitter
