All the News That Isn’t

Magic Player Manages to Top 8 Despite Not Having an MTGMom.com Sticker on Any of His Game Materials

Pittsburgh, Pa. – Travis Coates, 19, placed sixth in last weekend’s Grand Prix, held in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. However, just prior to Game 3 of his final match, his opponent called a judge and pointed out that Coates did not have an MTGMom.com sticker on his bag, on his deck box, or on his trade binder. The match was paused while the judge conferred with the head judge to determine whether this was a violation of the MTR [Tournament Rules].

“This is a situation that quite frankly I’ve never come across before,” says Steve Pennell, the Level 2 judge who answered the call. “I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a player who doesn’t have the sticker, let alone one at the top tables. I had to check with the head judge.”

Kevin Desprez, Level 4 judge and head judge of GP: Pittsburgh, said that this was the first time he’d had this question come up at a tournament. “At first, I just assumed that of course the MTR mandates the sticker. Then I realized that I should double-check before issuing a ruling. To my surprise, I found no mention of it in the MTR or the IPG [Infraction Procedure Guide]. [Coates] got off easy, though. I’m going to be bringing this up with the DCI Rules Committee and we’ll be making sure the MTR and IPG are corrected as soon as possible. Failure to have the sticker should carry a penalty of at least a game loss.”

Change to Magic’s Rules Cures Cancer, Players Overwhelmingly Think It’s a Bad Idea

Renton, Wa. – Today, Wizards announced that after clinical trials, a proposed change to the game rules has been proven definitively to cure cancer. The disease that kills millions of people every year will be eradicated thank to the changes being launched in the next revision of the MTR and IPG, slated for publication October 1, 2011. But not everyone is overjoyed at the news.

“Yeah, cancer is horrible and it needs to be wiped out, but I don’t understand why it has to affect my game of Magic,” says Dan Jorgens, 24, a tournament player. “This is clearly the worst move Wizards has ever made and it’s going to destroy Magic. If this change goes into effect, I’m never playing again, and I know a lot of people who feel the same way.”

Hundreds of other players entered into a heated Twitter discussion, sharing their anger over the announcement. Since what the rules change actually is has not yet been released, discussion has remained generalized, but despite the lack of details, the change has been widely denounced as confusing, annoying, destructive to the current meta, and antithetical to the flavor of the game.

“We knew players would be surprised by the new changes to the game,” says Mark Rosewater, “but we worked really hard on this in R&D and we did something no one thought we could do in the confines of the game. We think [the players] will come around given some time to adjust to a world without cancer.”

INVESTIGATIVE REPORT:

Yuuya Watanabe Revealed to Be Gleemax Masquerading as Human

Sagamihara, Kanagawa (Japan) – Many in the Magic world have been surprised by the recent Grand Prix domination of a single “man,” Yuuya Watanabe, who made the finals at GP: Kansas City, then threw down back-to-back wins at GP: Shanghai and GP: Pittsburgh. Our investigative reporter has revealed the secret to his success: “Yuuya Watanabe” is actually Gleemax, one of the most powerful artifacts in Magic’s history.

Our source states that the Gleemax traveled to our planet via an interdimensional wormhole, then assumed the form of Watanabe. “He grew tired of watching humans flail about playing Magic,” says the anonymous tipster. “He came here to show us how it’s done.”

2013 Magic Block Spoiled: Primordial Soup

Contributed by Llanowar Sentinel staff writers Mark and Stacey Wilson, New Zealand

Renton, Wa. – In breaking news from the rumor mill, the 2013 block (code named Friends–Romans–Countrymen) has been confirmed to be “Primordial Soup.” The block, which is set in a prehistoric Earth-like world, introduces dinosaurs to the game alongside more familiar humanoid counterparts. The first set in the block is rumored to be filled with huge “fatties” of the Dinosaur creature type. Initial reactions from players have been almost universally positive.

“This has been a long time coming,” says ViolentReaperXXX via Twitter. “We’ve been asking for this for what, fifteen years?”

But not everybody is enamored with the idea. Harold Bingswater, head of the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky, roundly condemns the depiction of dinosaurs and humans at war with one another. “Dinosaurs and humans coexisted peacefully together before the Great Flood, which unfortunately caused the extinction of the dinosaurs some five thousand years ago.”

Rachel Walker, head curator at the Smithsonian Natural History Museum, has a different take: “It’s refreshing to see the attention to detail that Wizards has clearly paid to the Neolithic and Paleolithic world. There are some glaring inaccuracies, however, that are at odds with Magic’s strict adherence to reality. For instance, there’s no chronological overlap between hominids and dinosaurs in Earth’s prehistory. The last dinosaur had been dead for millions of years before any human species evolved.”

When reached for comment, Jamie Wakefield, the self-proclaimed “King of the Fatties,” was found thumping several large plastic dinosaur figurines on his kitchen table, shouting repeatedly, “At last, Secret Force rides again!”

The Llanowar Sentinel accepts news bulletins from freelance journalists. Send submissions to llanowar@gatheringmagic.com. Pieces will be edited for content and length.