Like a quick-witted quiz show host turned shilling sellout, let’s start with the main points for today:

1. This week isn’t about Commander. It’s not the only thing in Magic that I care about.
2. I’m not invited to Pro Tour: Philadelphia. I’m going for the Magic Weekend funsies. (“Funsies” is a word, I’ve been assured.)

I don’t need to convince you that attending big Magic events is a good idea: You’re reading about Magic online. Going to big events is something you’ve considered before. If you’re on the East Coast and find Magic amusing at all, then Magic Weekend Philly is where you need to be. In just about a week, you can find all sorts of awesome things happening in the City of Brotherly Love.

The nickname is a bit of a misnomer, but we’ll get back to that. Let’s start with the basics:

• The official Magic Weekend Philly page has artist, public event, and other information.
• Getting in and out of the event site is pretty easy.
• Philadelphia can be brutally hot this time of year. Pack accordingly.

If you’re savvy and a planner, you’re already way ahead of me. The rest of this covers what you should know if you’re flying by the seat of your pants, planning loosely, or generally work as an average Magic player. Hey, we’re not all scientists and mathematicians.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting to Be in Philly

Philly sucks. Really.

Yes, that’s a pretty biased opinion, but I also have friends who live there. I’m experienced. Here are some cold, hard facts about the city:

• Philly has one of the worst rates of car and property theft. Don’t ask me to cite it, but it’s true . . . ish. (Certain parts of the city are less than amicable to anyone who isn’t like them, which is everyone else.)
• Despite any performance by local sports teams, the city remains firmly entrenched in negativity. (Just don’t talk about sports.)
• New Jersey is across the river. As if that isn’t bad enough, you get a pretty good flow of spillover of stereotypes popularized on MTV. (Expect them.)

Founded early in U.S. colonization, Philly had a rich history during the American Revolution. If you want to read about the glorification of “freedom fighters” we’d now deem terrorists, you can find the Liberty Bell and other tourist features a few blocks from the event site.

The food around town is good, however. The original, and best, Philly cheesesteak can be found at Pat’s (King of Steaks). The place nearby you may hear false praise about is called Geno’s, but it’s terrible. If you have the ambition to amble down to “where 9th crosses Wharton and Passyunk” then do yourself a favor and hit Pat’s.

Brief aside: Pat’s requires you to order like you know what you’re doing. The format is as follows: “[cheese type] [with or without onion]” The cheese types are:

• Whiz (Cheese Whiz infused with cheesesteak grease from the griddle)
• American
• Provolone

Therefore, a “Whiz Wit” gets you a cheesesteak made with onions and Cheese Whiz. If you order anything else you’re doing it wrong. Add a “cheese fry” for full griddle-flavored Cheese Whiz effect. If you screw up your order, you may get kicked to the end of the line. Don’t screw up, and don’t try Gino’s.

How Do I Get Anywhere?

Whether you’re flying or driving into Philly, you have the easiest time: SEPTA. Wherever you come in, you’ll want to take whatever line you’re at into the Market East Station. You can pick up a train to this from the airport and the regional rail stations.

Parking downtown is both annoying and expensive. While the parking near the site proper is relatively safe, with twenty-four-hour garages available, it’s still not the greatest. Given the thieving that occurred at GenCon, it may be best to minimize immediate exposure and park at a regional rail lot. The parking is cheaper and you can ride right to the site.

If you plan on being a tourist for a day (or more), try the “Independence Pass” option. You’ll get a pass that provides essentially unlimited use for a day. You can even buy passes in advance, and they’ll activate upon first use. This pass is $11, but gets you anywhere in town.

Taxi is taxi, and you’ll pay a premium for that as usual. It works and is safe. If you’ve looked up a specific restaurant, such as a Brazilian barbeque joint, taxi is the way to go.

By foot is much trickier. The event site is centered in a tourist area, but bounded by rougher spots in town. Numbered streets run north–south, with numbers incrementing up as you head west. North of the site is Temple University, but it’s literally surrounded by a very rough neighborhood. Take a cab right into campus and stay on campus at all times if you visit. South gets you to South St., a long strip of food and bars. It’s a long hike by foot (fifteen blocks or so) but certainly worth the time once you’re there. Don’t go further south than that.

Heading east takes you to the river, which is dirty. Crossing the river takes you to New Jersey, and no one wants to end up there.

Go far enough west, and you’ll hit Broad Street. This rips up and down the entire city, and is a good spot to pick up a bus. The Philly Subway is there too, but it’s rougher than New York’s without any of the actual accessibility to the city—avoid it.

I’m Just There for Magic. What Do I Eat?

Three words: Reading Terminal Market. This place is right next to the site and features just about every kind of food you’d want, most of it pretty good. You get the best of every world of Pennsylvania food: regional specialties and flavors (cheesesteaks and Pennsylvania Dutch foods), fresh fruit and vegetables, packaged snacks and sweets, and hot foot vendors of the usual types (pizza, subs, and much more).

Note, however, that the market will be closed on Monday due to the U.S. holiday. Also, bring cash, as some stands don’t take other forms of payment.

For one feature you may want to specifically try out, see Basset’s Ice Cream. These guys do it old-school, do it right, and will knock your socks off with ice cream. They are one of the cash-only joints.

In an odd twist of fate, Philly’s Chinatown is just a few blocks west. There you’ll find the usual Americanized Asian places, as well as more traditional cuisine. Jade Harbor is open until 2:00 a.m., according to their animated GIF-laden site, and is just a block or so from the site.

So I Lied. What Else Is There to Do?

Well, the aforementioned “American Revolution” tourist stuff is nearby. But there’s a lot more.

On the first Friday of every month, art galleries open their doors to the public to view (and purchase) art. Many cafés and other places stay open later to accommodate those enjoying the art at night. Near the site, there will be plenty of art to see and culture to enjoy.

The famous “Rocky stairs” and accompanying “Rocky statue” can be found at the Philadelphia Art Museum. It’s quite a hike from the site, but a cab can get your there in a jiffy. Perhaps best of all is that the museum is effectively free on Sunday. They still request a donation, but if you need something to do since you’re broke after your degenerate proclivities, you save face by lying about a fat cultural donation.

If partying hard into a microphone sounds like fun, karaoke may be in order. The website philadelphiakaraoke.net shows everywhere you can find this entertaining hobby. The Happy Rooster is a few blocks from the site and features karaoke on Thursdays until 2:00 a.m. Other places requires cab rides (for your safety).

Eastern State Penitentiary is a somewhat famous former prison that housed notorious inmates such as Al Capone. While the tours only run during the midday, it’s an interesting distraction if you have more mobility than most attendees.

Chris’s Jazz Café is an excellent place to drop money. It’s a jazz club that always has a cover charge, upscale meals, and a fantastic assortment of scotch, whiskey, and bourbon. I’ve been there and it’s excellent. You probably need a reservation, but it’s worth it.

You’re Pretty Down on the Town. How Do I Survive?

Philly is very weird. It’s less homogenized than most cities, and the rough spots are intermittent . . . but rough. Here are the absolute keys you should remember:

• People are unfriendly. Don’t expect smiles and helpful commentary. People like to mind their own business and expect you to do so too.
• If you ask for help, don’t expect to be helped. Natives expect you to know and adapt, not the other way around.
• Don’t talk about sports. If you ask the average resident “How is Team X doing?” you’ll get an earful of vitriol. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending upon your sports interest, the Phillies and Eagles are out of town the whole weekend. Basketball is on strike and off season. Hockey is off season too.
• Don’t stray from the tourist areas. Crime and violence is very real, like in most cities, but you’ll be much closer to it than at most other sites.

In general, Philly is a great place to visit. You’re in for a treat; the food is good, the gaming will be prevalent, and the stars of Magic will converge as one.

I’ll be around all weekend, from the grinders Thursday morning through the hangover-laden Monday-morning check-out. I hope I get the chance to see many of you there as well! If you have any questions, you can ask below; my inside contact, Shawn Delp, helped make this guide come together. He’ll help answer anything I can’t!

See you in Philly!