Locations
For our purposes, we’ll also include the tentacle-tressed. It's a mixed-martial-arts, pro-wrestling pageant of insane gorgeousness this Vorthos Wednesday, guys and gals!
What is it about a gal with insane appendages sprouting from her brow that drives us crazy? Is it the implied evil and devilishness? The “deviant” aesthetic? The visual reference to game and livestock from when we were all hunters/gatherers? Do we simply have a thing for squid? Is it just fragging cool-looking? Absolutely.
Oola may have lost her octagon match versus the Rancor, but she won our hearts forever with her spunk, perfect green complexion, and not-so-strategically placed fishnet. Some of you may remember Disney’s Sleeping Beauty with the elegant and dangerous black-magic-wielding sorceress Maleficient as the villainess who can morph into an elder dragon. Angelina Jolie, in 2014, will be the live-action embodiment of Maleficient who charms/terrifies an entire new generation.
Since in “real life” we have shows like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, we might as well have our MTG article that celebrates the glory of horned and tentacled ladies. After all, women who strangle, decapitate, corrupt, and otherwise wreck rivals and ’walkers are about as disturbing as what goes on in the kiddie pageant circuit, right?—Bolas help us, punch me in the ying yang. Is this the American dream? Back to gorgons, please. Who’s the baddest chick of them all? You decide. Here’s a rundown of the top contenders—enjoy the view, then cast your vote!
Damia, Sage of Stone
Damia is the hotness personified, and she draws you cards. Lots of cards. Steve Argyle brought this vixen to life, and then she did it on ’im as thanks. That skull on the left-hand side of the art is all that remains of the poor artist. Damia does have the strange hoarder packrat thing, but I’m pretty sure it’s trumped by her glowing eyes and vibrant coif, which puts any Pantene Pro-V commercial to shame. It’s like Magic!
Elvish Harbinger
The good girl. Look at the little horns and the luminous eyes! 
is on the expensive side for an Elf, making her a bit thick (but hey, some of us like that, right?), but her abilities mark her as a powerful mage and add an edge to her sweet side. Stacy Kiebler used to be a "good girl" on the WWE—now, to add to her athletic achievements, she's also turned George Clooney into her loyal elf retainer (George, we still haven't forgiven you for Batman and Robin, FYI).
Sisters of Stone Death
Power? Yeah, pound the alarm. And there are three of them. That sisters fantasy is yours to summon! Triple team, Walls of Jericho, People's Elbow, Jake the Snake's snake, you're dead. While the Sisters’ fashion choices are a bit skimpy, I approve in this case because Magic gorgons are all about the allure and then the follow-up b-slap. The Kardashians are so lame compared to our Sisters.
Maralen of the Mornsong
Despite a confusing turn in the Lorwyn-Shadowmoor cycle novels, Maralen has that mysterious charm that dark elves possess. And her ill-fated romance with Rhys only makes her more intriguing. What did the faeries do to her? What does she want, now? What was her goal on the plane? Will we ever know? She’ll help you, she’ll help your best buddy, and then she’ll hurt both of you. But some of us like a challenge . . .
Visara the Dreadful
Dark and beautiful, absolutely terrifying. Visara is an original, and witty, too—her eyes are her best feature! She’s got the va-va-voom and ain’t afraid to show it. A verified legend, Jane Russell ain’t got nothin’ on her (pun not intended). After dominating Standard and proving that some gorgons can indeed fly, Visara has "retired" to Florida as a sought-after commander known for taking out opposing commanders on a whim. Visara enjoys mai tais, cabana boys, and quilting.
Imperious Perfect
Our haute couture candidate exudes confidence and righteousness. She enjoys slicing off ugly elves' heads and spawns beefy elf legions at the rate Republican senators lost voters due to strange misogynistic statements. This lordly lady demands you pony up the chump change (about $5 American) if you want to be with her on any given Friday. Now, I ain't saying she a gold digger, just that her going rate in the casual market indicates how awesome she is.
Rix Maadi Guildmage
While we can't quite tell if Rix is sporting a clever helmet or actually sporting horns from her brow, we'll give her the benefit of the doubt because of her charisma. Definitely one of the most dynamic and marketable ladies here, her art has already been used in a ton of articles, plus booster packs and deck boxes, proving she's hotter than Brooklyn Decker on a boat. Her glowing blue eye, perfect lips, and lust for life leave us breathless.
Drana, Kalastria Bloodchief
Poised, confident, dangerous. Drana exhibits a conservativeness and restraint about her that only makes her more intriguing. Yet, her secret smile masks extremely deadly powers. The Mona Lisa of our candidates, perhaps? Drana gained infamy as the “one rare to rule them all” of Rise of the Eldrazi Limited, sucking the life from enemies while pumping herself into an insane, flying beater. Smart and efficient, much?
Voting
In this UFC Championship-slash-Miss Universe, all the candidates can kill you as easily as they can wax banal about how world peace is where it's at. Of course, these ladies would probably achieve world peace by smacking a few fools and achieving world domination. That's because they're ladies of MTG.
Vote wisely, young mage. It's your life on the line . . .
[poll id="212"]
Any votes for Nicol Bolas will be a personal slight to the ladies mentioned above. While Nicol Bolas has not formally withdrawn from the pageant, he has been mollified into not answering the final question—nor doing the swimsuit round, thank god—by being given fifteen plates of nachos.
Till next time, may Magic be your sword and your sash. At submission time, Visara had punched Nicol in the jewels. She was later overheard offering to buy him a mai tai.
-MJ
@moxymtg on Twitter
