I feel down when things suck.

Big revelation, I know. I'm sure it's just me.

No, but I mean with whatever the latest goings on are with Magic bannings or players trying to invent a new way to play to override their boredom with whatever the overgrazed format of the moment is... all of that bums me out.

There's a part of format fatigue and the buzz that surrounds banning announcements in solved formats and other such tournament culture current events that makes a lot of players feel sort of... icky, it seems. Having to ad hoc lobotomize what were once hoped to be pure and ideal card pools because of a few poorly developed bad apples is always worth a mourn.

But a positive spin emerges!

If we define the things about Magic games and formats that we don't like and don't want all the time, there appears an implicit question: What cards are left when everyone is done complaining?

Surely there are some cards left on the table when you've gone through and buried everything that bothers basically anyone. If we passed the crown around the Magic community and let everyone ban a card from Magic for a new Garden of Eden format we're making so we can live there and be happy and eat candy for every meal, how many cards would be legal at the end? Hopefully enough to meet minimum deck requirements...

Another way to frame this might be: What are the best possible cards to build a format around if your goal is to create a Magic context - a Cube, a box of homemade duel decks, whatever you want to do with your cherished Magic cards - that annoys and offends the least amount of people with its lack of repetitive play patterns and ho hum interactions?

It's a really difficult exercise, but I tried anyway. Here are some cards in each color that I feel Magic would be well-served to point their development compass toward, as they piss off a minimum number of people and still carry the general vibe of being a mostly non-embarrassing competitive game piece.

White

Shuffling and tutoring and shuffling and tutoring is the logjam of Magic game flow throughout history, but it's hard to argue with the balance and flexibility in the trade-offs that this card offers. Condemn can be turned off by astute players that know to watch for unfavorable exchanges with it (think attacking with Meddling Mage or something), but that also makes for crazy amounts of bluffing fun that Path to Exile usually doesn't have.

Condemn is more fun when it's fun, but Path is going to be bigger for both parties in the game more often. I don't think most people hate either of these cards, though, so long live non-oppressive removal.

Speaking of shuffling, this is about as good as this effect has ever been. I'm not sure why it doesn't appear more often, especially in a color it works so thematically well in. Many formats have had complaints through the years of how important it is to play first. Cards like this are a great way to offset that sensation.

Long live the Weathered Wayfarers of the world.

Behold: My Barometer Card.

We're in a world where this card seems pretty quaint, but I think that's part of the point here: Nobody in this thought experiment needs to sell new booster packs. We can take a card like Isamaru and say, "if this card on turn one does either too much or not enough on a regular basis, there may be aspects of my card pool worth reviewing."

Heed this lesson, fellow Magic thinkers and constructors of Magic experiences: establish some barometer cards for your project. Simple ones like Isamaru are great choices for these kinds of easy data purposes.

Blue

At the right time, this is a blowout. At a decent time, it's a relevant tempo play. At the worst time, it blocks and Maze of Iths something. And during none of these options does anything feel wrong or unbalanced. This is a textbook example of a card with a nice whole number rate: everything it does is exciting but fair. There's no aspect of the card in various contexts where it feels dead or broken.

Let's talk about counterspells for a second.

Counterspells are notorious for supposedly deflating play experiences, especially to newer players, but they're also an important piece of how the game balances itself. So, what's the least miserable counterspell to play against? Sound off in the public square.

Green

It's hard to even remember a time where the smallest and largest (and most middle?) Green cards weren't a pain to play against. Thanks to the Commanderization of mainstream Magic, Green owns the rights to a lot of game states out there.

Obviously, stuff like Questing Beast is cartoonish in its overcrowded desperation to deprive players of agency, so it can get right out the door. Thragtusk was a frustrating presence in its time, but again, it's another one that now seems kind of quaint.

Maybe I'm looking at this color the wrong way. Maybe we should just do this.

There. Any non-ramp Green creature that is doing more than this one usually does is probably oppressing a lot of Magic cards right out of play viability in your desired experience. So that's the test here: Any Green card blatantly doing something better than being a 2/1 Regrowth must go.

Heavens how far we've strayed, Green. Because let me tell you: you're doing a lot more than casting Eternal Witness these days. You've lost yourself, Green. You put a few Blue mana symbols on some of your cards and suddenly you think you're better than everyone else. Get back here! I'm still talking to you!

Red

The big misery with Red is usually that its "sped up" style leads inherently to situations where you don't feel like you can respond in time to the threats in order to have a feeling of choices in the game. Joke's on you because lots of colors basically do that now! (See Green section.)

What I'm saying is Uro is basically Red if you squint hard enough, rub your eyes, and concuss yourself. If that's not cutting-edge Magic theory, I don't know what is.

Here are some Red cards that feel useful without being complete gun-jumpers:

Behold, 1-drops that do things but that also grant opponents an experience of "having time" to find a way out. Basically, everyone that dies to Goblin Guide feels like that's just what happens. When you die to Stromkirk Noble, you feel like it's your fault. Honestly, that's a pretty decent proof for this entire article premise.

Don't think I can do it with 2-drops? Joke is on you, contrarian reader!

Black

As strange as it is to think about, in a color pie vacuum, Black may be the color with the most effects that suck to play against. Discard always comes up in these discussions, especially in the style of Thoughtseize or Hymn to Tourach. Then you've got the Reanimator pattern where Black tries to cheat a big thing out; if they do it, they win; if they don't, a game didn't seem to actually happen. Is anyone ever excited to see an opponent cast Dark Ritual in a game of Magic designated for fun?

So, what's left?

My favorite Black Magic games on either side involve incremental sacrifices for ultimate gain, rather than a big broken play that wins or loses, depending on if Griselbrand gets it done on his own or not.

It's not just graveyard recursion either. A card like Phyrexian Negator epitomizes this all or nothing style. It has its place, I'm glad it exists... but this ain't that place.

Here's a handful of Black cards that give games a little more boom and a little less bust:

Delicious! And you'll never have to shuffle your hand after a Hypnotic Specter hits you. It's no fun and you look like a fool!

Subjective But Effective

We didn't look at lands, gold cards, or colorless cards. In fact, we've only scratched the surface of the giant subset of thankless Magic cards that don't blow up tournament formats or make us rage quit. There are so many of them! They should be celebrated!

I want more! What are your favorite "fair" cards to cast as often as you're able? What cards basically never make anyone mad?

(~_^)

The Rascal

The "Indestructible" Danny West